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The Hammer and Nigel Show is pleased to unveil our latest entrepreneurial venture: the Rabid Methamphetamine-Fueled Attack Squirrel!
You love your family and want to keep them safe, but you’re on a budget. Oh sure, you’d love a high-end security system with ADT like those rich folk in Beverly Hills have, but you’ve got bills to pay, and you don’t get rich working for ‘the man.’
Enter the rabid, methamphetamine-fueled attack squirrel! These highly sophisticated and nimble nut lovers are trained in the ancient art of jiu-jitsu, and can kick, scratch, claw, and bite the living crap out of even the most vicious home intruder.
These disease-carrying, mid-size rodents with unpredictable temperaments make delightful companions for the kids. And because they feed on a steady diet of hardcore narcotics, you’ll never have to worry about your little fella falling asleep on the job.
Developed by heavy drug users with a passion for Jackie Chan films and distributed by Hammer and Nigel enterprises, the 2021 meth-fueled attack squirrel is available for just three easy payments of $19.95 (meth not included).
Call now and as a special bonus, we’ll throw in an additional meth-fueled attack squirrel at no charge!
And remember, all 2021 meth-fueled attack squirrels are backed with a full 30-day warranty. That’s right; should your family’s personal rodent arrive dead in the box or expire in the first month of ownership, simply ship him back for a full replacement at NO CHARGE!
WATCH: FORGET MURDER HORNETS, RABID ATTACK SQUIRRELS WITH BAD ATTITUDES ARE LATEST THREAT TO HUMANITY
Say “goodbye” to expensive, old-fashioned home security systems with complex codes to remember. Order your meth-fueled attack squirrel today and show home intruders and the neighborhood PETA activist you’re not messing around with your family’s safety anymore!
But don’t take our word for it! Check out this testimony via USA Today from one of our satisfied clients in Queens, New York, where aggressive squirrel attacks are now a regular occurrence:
Micheline Frederick pointed to a bruise on her wrist where she said the squirrel landed on her and then sank its teeth into her fingers and hand.
“We’re wrestling in the snow and there’s blood everywhere and my fingers getting chewed and it won’t let go,” Frederick said. “Eventually, it just stopped and there I was a big bloody mess.”
A photo Frederick says she took after the attack shows a snowy pathway covered in blood.
“This was an MMA cage match! And I lost!” she added.
We thank the fine people of USA Today for their kind words and full endorsement of our security rodents.
Don’t delay, click the link below to find out from Hammer and Nigel how to order your very own meth-fueled attack squirrel today!
