Squirrels… They’re cute… They’re furry… They’ll claw your eyes out and leave you with hamburger meat for your face if you look at them the wrong way. They’re like chimps, but they’re squirrels.
Is My Life At Risk?
Rabid attack squirrels with bad attitudes are attacking innocent people on a semi-regular basis, say experts.
Proof of Claim:
According to police, they received an emergency call saying “a 78-year-old elderly man was actively being attacked by a squirrel, who was eating his hand. The man was attempting to choke the squirrel, but was unable to obtain a good grip.”
The attack was still in progress when police arrived.
A brave officer “subdued” and fully eliminated the vicious squirrel.
The victim told police that he had been walking outside of his home when the squirrel attacked, unprovoked.
Yes, squirrels are everywhere. And if trends continue, they will wipe out all of humanity. Our only hope is for Elon Musk to successfully complete his plan to colonize Mars. With God’s blessing and mercy, the tech CEO will evacuate his fellow billionaires to safety before it’s too late.
What’s to become of YOU, fellow peasant? Your life will likely be sacrificed unless your modest holdings of cryptocurrency increase in value by 5,000% overnight and you outbid a fellow billionaire for his seat on Musk’s modern-day “Star Trek Enterprise” spaceship thingy before it departs. Otherwise, you’re squirrel food.