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Indiana Governor Eric Holcomb is encouraging Hoosiers to celebrate Thanksgiving via the joy of isolation and self-imposed quarantine.

The reason for Governor Holcomb’s request: you could kill grandma if you unwittingly cough Coronavirus germs on the old gal.

So quit being selfish, you “life of the Thanksgiving party” super spreader! You need to think ahead to when YOU die. Do you really want your headstone to read, “Here lies Jim, who killed his 89-year-old nana because he went to her house on Thanksgiving. Jim was her favorite, but clearly, that had little to no impact on Jim’s self-serving turkey needs. Jim also voted for Donald Trump. Furthermore…” (cont. on back of headstone)

A.D.D. Moment of Article Intrusion: Why don’t we have more double-sided headstones. I’m thinking of a big headstone on a swivel stick. What’s wrong with that? Just have the caretaker spray it with a little WD-40 on a bi-annual basis.

Why not digital headstones? I’d like a slideshow and a little John Mellencamp medley when people stop by my final resting place. We’ve got sensors that turn floodlights on automatically whenever someone gets near our house. You telling me we can’t have motion-detection digital headstones that scare the piss out of people when they stroll by?

And how come headstones don’t list a cause of death? If they did, maybe kids wouldn’t be so reluctant to visit their grandparents at the cemetery after they’ve killed them on Thanksgiving with COVID-19!

These are all excellent questions that belong in another article.

Let us continue with Gov. Holcomb’s stay-at-home on Thanksgiving request…


In an opinion piece published by The Washington Post, Holcomb joined six other governors in lecturing families to cancel their Thanksgiving plans and stay locked up at home.

“As hard as it will be to not see them this Thanksgiving, imagine how much harder it would be if their chairs are empty next year,” the opinion piece reads.

Response: Yeah, but what if that family member dies of a heart attack the day AFTER Thanksgiving. You’ll have missed out on your last time to see them because you were afraid of a virus from which the vast majority of people recover.

Monday morning, WIBC’s Rob Kendall and Artificial Mock discussed Gov. Holcomb’s call for Hoosiers to stay home on Thanksgiving.