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Multi-billionaire Elon Musk is on the verge of unveiling his finest contribution to humanity yet: the Neuralink brain chip!

“Ah, but what IS the Neuralink brain chip?” you failed to ask but will receive an answer to anyway.

  • “Is it a low-calorie snack-food item that makes you more intelligent with each and every crunch?
  • “Is it a micro-sized lovable rodent from a Disney cartoon who will cheerily cavort through your neurological pathways like hamsters through toilet paper tubes?”
  • “Ooh! Perhaps it’s a helpful piece of surgically-implanted technology that allows you to operate computers and move crap around just by thinking the right commands?”

That last guess is rather intriguing. Just imagine the possibilities.

Proposed Neurolink Infomercial:

Voiceover: “With Neurolink, you can experience the joy and convenience of navigating your Tesla sedan with nothing more than the power of thought!”

Disclaimer: “Neurolink and Tesla are not responsible for gruesome and disfiguring real-world accidents that occur while dreaming.”

So, what is the Neurolink brain chip, and how does it work? We’ll have the exciting answer after this brief yet heartwarming reminder of the wondrous benefits and pleasures derived from merging technology with the human form:

Welcome back!

The Elon Musk brain chip is a wondrous development from Neuralink, a neurotechnology company Musk co-founded, that will be able to merge human brains with computers as early as THIS year.

Time Out:

You know how there’s all this talk lately from Biblical scholars who say the COVID-19 plague, civil unrest, the chance of impending war with China, and a possible economic collapse are irrefutable signs of the End Times? Yeah, there’s totally nothing to that theory at all. Nope. NOT. AT. ALL.

Okay, we’re certainly not saying that Elon Musk’s brain chip is the ‘mark of the beast’ as described in Revelations. That said, it’s probably best to avoid implanting the six-hundred-sixty-sixth chip off the Neurlink assembly line into your noggin’.

Time In!

According to the quality reporting of esteemed Fox News journalists, Neurolink’s all-new piece of fashionably chic technology “is an idea that has been proposed and bandied about” by science fiction authors and futurists for decades – science fiction authors like deranged sociopath and Xenu superfan L.Ron Hubbard:


Musk told an audience last week that Neuralink scientists have already been able to get a monkey to control a computer with its brain.

Yes, an animal that throws its own feces can use the internet. How thrilling. With enough guidance and positive reinforcement training via electrified cattle prods, these majestic creatures will be surfing the web for baboon porn in no time!


“We hope to have this in a human patient by the end of next year,” Musk added. For this, it will eventually need approval from the U.S. Food and Drug Administration.”

Of course, technology like this doesn’t come cheap. Let’s hope Neuralink offers a layaway plan because Obamacare sure as hell won’t cover it.

According to a white paper (“racist!”) created by Neuralink, these fabulous implantable digital delights “hold[s] promise for the restoration of sensory and motor function and the treatment of neurological disorders.”

Let us all fervently pray that “neurological disorders” is code for “liberalism.”

Enjoy additional commentary from the Chicks on the Right: