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Shopping for groceries during the Coronavirus pandemic is a real study in human psychology.

There are two types of extremes you’re likely to encounter while Krogering this season:

Type 1: The Paranoid Germophobe

Key Identifying Characteristics:

  • Wears a mask, gloves, and lead underwear in a fearfully-desperate attempt to avoid infection.
  • Avoids eye-contact as a precautionary measure in the event Coronavirus can be transmitted visually
  • Owns the collector’s edition of the entire “Twilight Zone” series on Blu-Ray. Originally purchased the series on VHS, followed by DVD, but “the corporations in Hollywood keep inventing new technology just to rip off the American consumer!”
  • Fears all forms of viruses and germs, lives in constant fear of succumbing to illnesses that were eradicated in the late 1800s, yet refuses to vaccinate their children because “natural immunity is the best” – even in the case of smallpox. Has been known to utter the phrase: “Vaccines are dangerous and have more side effects than benefits. I’ve read the inserts.”
  • Considers a single violation of the six-foot social distancing recommendation to be an offense on par with the Holocaust of Europe. They don’t confront violators, however, preferring to express their disgust in long, rambling Facebook posts that most of his or her friends don’t bother to read but click the “like” button anyway.
  • Played a pivotal role in the “war on gluten.”
  • Still owns several years’ worth of canned goods and a bunker in Nevada that was purchased in advance of the Y2K apocalypse.

His Inevitable Fate: Piles on increasing layers of medical-grade protective gear. Winds up in the hospital upon discovering he has a deadly allergy to latex.

Type 2: The Brave and Poorly-Educated Patriot

Key Identifying Characteristics:

  • Is fully convinced the Coronavirus is a scam designed to subvert the presidency of Donald J. Trump.
  • Rants frequently to no one in particular about all “the sheep” who buy into this liberal propaganda about COVID-19.
  • Expresses his beliefs with passive-aggressive displays of defiance such as not washing his hands after urinating, going out of his way to violate social-distancing guidelines, and shaking his head while sighing dramatically whenever he sees someone wearing a mask or utilizing hand sanitizer.
  • Doesn’t trust the government – except on the first of every month when he receives his welfare check.
  • Is fully convinced that the good Lord created Donald Trump for the sole purpose of saving America from Socialism.
  • Is fond of saying things like, “God used imperfect people to accomplish His will all the time! It says so right there in yer Bible.” When challenged on that claim, he is unable to quote specific verses, becomes defensive, and replies, “I ain’t gonna tell you. Go look it up!”
  • Bristles with rage when he hears the term “COVID-19” and refuses to refer to it as anything other than the “Chinese Wuhan Coronavirus from China.”
  • Avoids eating takeout from Panda Express – not because he’s a racist, but because he’s cautious. Has been known to utter the phrase, “I’m not racist, but…”
  • Owns several ounces of gold and silver bullion.
  • May have lost his first wife in a tragic bow-hunting accident.
  • Drives gently-used Ford 150 pickups and has done so his entire life – not because he has any practical use for one, but because this is America and he’ll drive whatever he darn well pleases!
  • Owns several “Rebel Flags” and will throw you out of his trailer if you refer to it as the “Confederate Flag.”
  • Purchased the entire “Duck Dynasty” series on DVD for $14 bucks at Walmart.

His Inevitable Fate: Although he entertains delusional fantasies about fighting in “the coming revolution to save the Republic,” he will likely perish in a blazing trailer fire after falling asleep while smoking in bed.

Meanwhile, the rest of us are just trying to endure this global pandemic as best we can.

So hang in there, fellow citizens. This will all be over soon, life will return to normal, and we can all tell our grandkids about the time the Coronavirus caused a bunch of idiots to buy all the toilet paper.

And the smartest among us will be able to say with pride, “I bought Charmin at $58 per share, sold it at $230, and sent three kids to college with the profits.”

Until then, take heart and listen daily to the Hammer and Nigel show to maintain sanity.