The year was 1956…
One crisp Paris morning, Pascal Lamorisse, a sweet and gentle French boy of humble means, was making his way to school.
Suddenly, Pascal was unexpectedly greeted by the ideal representation of God’s Holy love for humanity: a giant helium-filled discount red balloon.
Oh, it was glorious in its crimson beauty and Pascal cherished it!
Ah, but this was no ordinary balloon, my friend. This was a balloon with a mind and a will of his own!
Most reasonably balanced individuals would find that sort of thing a little creepy, but our French friend Pascal loved that sumbitch balloon anyway!
Not only was this creep ass balloon possessed by a demon spirit of some sort, it was also stalker and EXTREMELY needy. The crimson creeper followed Pascal everywhere, never giving him a single moment of privacy. Hell, it even watched Pascal as he slept from outside his bedroom window.
Sadly, Pascal made the same mistake that puts hundreds of battered women into shelters every year: he thought he could help the balloon to change his ways and become a normal, productive party favor.
First, Pascal took his wayward balloon to church to request an exorcism. When the priest refused, Pascal became irate and renounced his Catholic faith.
In the following minutes, Pascal became increasingly isolated from society.
Wandering and adrift, free of religious beliefs and moral conscience, he began to engage in gang violence and ingest massive quantities of brie.
Harnessing his leadership qualities, Pascal became the founder and sole member of the Paris Chapter of the “Red Balloon Bloods.” Sadly, this decision would have devastating consequences for Pascal’s crimson comrade.
Local balloon barons, ruthless and eager to protect their turf, put an end to Pascal’s dreams of “Balloon Blood” chapters in every city across Europe.
Years later, the balloon returned unleash his vengeance upon those responsible for his senseless and violent deflation, as captured in the stirring emotional drama: “The Revenge of the Red Balloon.”
The year was now 2020…
David Rush, a mild-mannered American who was eager to make a name for himself, ruthlessly butchered 100 balloons with his freakishly quick feet in what witnesses called the most senseless act of domestic party favor terrorism in decades.
Guinness was on hand to capture the tragic event on video and to validate Mr. Rush’s heartless popping as a new world record.
CAUTION: Some viewers may find the following footage of David Ruth’s quick-footed butchery disturbing. Viewer discretion is advised.
The names of all 100 balloon victims are being withheld pending notification of family.
A spokesperson for the Red Balloon warned Thursday that there will be a swift and violent response for “the senseless deaths of our inflatable comrades.”
Hammer and Nigel offer heartfelt words of mockery in today’s edition of “Is This Anything?”