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New York Governor Andrew Cuomo finally emerged Wednesday to address the sexual misconduct scandal that threatens to destroy his proud legacy as a grandma killer.

Cuomo stepped before the cameras and assured the good people of his state that he fully realizes the gravity of the accusations against him and he understands the pain he’s caused.

“I do not believe I have ever done anything in my public career that I am ashamed of,” Cuomo said without a hint of irony.

So that went over pretty well with the #MeToo crowd.

The Governor also spoke of his fondness for sexually harassing men.

“You can go find hundreds of pictures of me kissing people, men, women,” Cuomo shared with pride. “It is my usual and customary way of greeting.”

His words provided genuine comfort to voters who feared he might a sexist or homophobic.

Finally, Gov. Cuomo made it clear that he is fully cognizant of how his behavior has betrayed the public’s trust, diminished confidence in his leadership, and hindered his ability to effectively govern the great state of New York.

“I’m not going to resign,” Cuomo assured his victims. “I was elected by the people of New York. I am going to serve the people of New York.”

God bless you for your candor and your contrition, Governor Cuomo. You almost make Indianapolis Mayor Joe Hogsett seem competent by comparison… Almost.