I try to avoid shopping at Walmart whenever possible. It’s not that I have anything against quality goods at affordable prices, mind you. It’s just that I find the entire experience to be akin to a prostate exam performed by a doctor with abnormally large fingers who just arrived from a custody hearing that didn’t […]

(ehaurylik/Getty Images) In an age when so many are forced to cope with the demands of maintaining a constant presence on multiple social media platforms and answering text messages while driving, it’s inevitable that some parents will inadvertently pulverize their child’s pet with the family minivan from time to time. While the loss of a beloved lower-class member of the family under gruesome circumstances can […]

Face Diapers: When worn properly, these magical and convenient fashion accessories offer countless benefits to the downtrodden, increasingly hopeless, and OBEDIENT American citizen. Quality Advantages Enjoyed By Wearers Include: Evasion of your own smartphone facial recognition software. Option to forgo brushing teeth before venturing into public spaces. Deprivation of oxygen, which aids in suppressing normal […]

My daughter started kindergarten last week. I’m not handling it well. I’ve never considered myself the classic helicopter parent. My kid doesn’t wear a helmet and kneepads while riding her scooter because I have no fear of the physical injuries that will inevitably occur. Bones heal. When my kid takes a tumble, I dry her […]

Are you a person of great importance and influence? Are you renowned the world over for your tremendous contributions to society? Do kings, politicians, and/or dignitaries such as Kim Kardashian seek your company? Chances are, “No!” Also, “No!” And finally, “Absolutely no!” In fact, studies show that over 99% of eligible persons on this planet […]

We should all set aside some time with our families tonight to pray for the health and welfare of Russian Oligarch Mikhail Fridman. He’s really facing some tough times in his life, poor fella, and we’re all just worried sick about him. Fridman is a multi-billionaire. In fact, he’s got himself a total net worth […]

Here’s the thing you need to understand about groundhogs, folks: They’re not meteorologists. They don’t know jack squat about the weather. Want proof? Data from the National Centers for Environmental Information found that since 1969, “Punxsutawney Phil” has only maintained a 40% accuracy rating for his annual “Early Spring or Extended Weather” prediction. 40%! That […]

Pulling your firearm from its holster and shooting multiple rounds at fast-food workers may not result in quicker customer service this holiday season, say experts. “The long-held belief that shooting at people will get your french fries to you a little quicker just doesn’t prove true when looking at actual, hard data,” a long-time drive-thru […]

It’s the 1970s all over again in the era of the Biden administration. Violence in the Middle East? Check. Energy shortages? Check. Double-digit inflation? Check. Shrinkflation? Check. What the heck is shrinkflation? I’ll explain. Shrinkflation is a means of masking rising prices in consumer goods by giving you less product for the same amount of […]

Stop it, Michael. Just stop it! K.I.T.T., we can’t wait any longer. Run him over.