Here’s the thing you need to understand about groundhogs, folks: They’re not meteorologists. They don’t know jack squat about the weather.
Want proof?
Data from the National Centers for Environmental Information found that since 1969, “Punxsutawney Phil” has only maintained a 40% accuracy rating for his annual “Early Spring or Extended Weather” prediction. 40%! That means he’s wrong 60% of the time! How am I supposed to ‘trust the science’ of “Punxsutawney Phil” with that kind of track record?
“Phil” has no credibility whatsoever, but he still prances around Pennsylvania like he’s king crap. Why? Because the public coddles him and pretends as though him he’s not completely terrible at his job. “Punxsutawney Phil” is the participation trophy of groundhogs.
Here’s the other thing you should know about “Phil”: HE’S DEAD! In fact, he’s been dead for several years!
Dig this: the first Groundhog Day was in 1886 – 136 years ago. The average lifespan of a groundhog is only three years. Do you really think that arrogant little rodent has managed to outlive his peers some 45 times over? Please. If “Punxsutawney Phil” is still around, it’s because he’s a hat.
Oh, and then there’s the issue of unoriginal groundhogs in other cities stealing “Punxsutawney Phil’s” act. Toronto’s “Wiarton Willie,” a creepy-looking albino groundhog, duped Canadians into thinking he was a credible forecaster for years.
“Willie’s” not conning the gullible public anymore, mind you. Care to guess why? Yep, “Wiarton Willie” is dead too! According to the Guardian, “Wiarton Willie” croaked back in 2020, but Toronto officials remained greedy for those tourism dollars and they covered it up!
Only recently did the true story about “Wiarton Willie’s demise come to light thanks to an investigation by the Canadian Press. When it did, the public was rightly pissed and children were devastated – especially because it wasn’t the first time that “Wiarton Willie” had died and officials had attempted to cover it up. The fact is, “Wiarton Willie” has died like 2-3 times already.
The first “Wiarton Willie” began his charade back in the early 1980s. He beat the odds and managed to live until two days before Groundhog Day in 1999. “Willie” definitely didn’t see his shadow that year. What really killed him? Was it old age or was it the stress of living a lie for over two decades?
When the public found out about “Wiarton Willie” #1 going belly up, city officials tried to smooth things over by holding an open casket funeral for him. The event was supposed to honor “Willie” for his service and sacrifice, but it failed to do so – primarily because it wasn’t even “Wiarton Willie” in the box.
You see, “Willie” had decomposed to such a grotesque level that even Toronto’s best morticians could do nothing to make him presentable. The solution was to put a freshly-dead look-a-like groundhog in a miniature casket, mark it “Wiarton Willie,” and pray to God that no one discovered the truth. Spoiler alert: they did.
At least all the “Wiarton Willies” died of natural causes. Not all “Punxatawney Phil” imposters are so lucky.
“Staten Island Chuck” was getting fat and rich off the annual Groundhog Day sham for years in New York City. Then he was assassinated by Mayor Bill DeBlasio in 2014. The mayor dropped “Chuck” and the rodent died of internal injuries just a few days later (“Chuck” – not DeBlasio).
What did “Chuck” know? What did he have on the Clintons?
Bottom Line: the whole tradition of Groundhog Day is rooted in deception and we should all feel ashamed for participating.
But hey, if you want to play along with this annual charade, go ahead. Live your truth!
