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Is your body afflicted with multiple aches and pains? Why not pay top dollar to have a massage therapist whack the ever-loving s*** out of you with a meat cleaver?

Officially known as “daoliao” — which translates literally to “knife massage” — meat cleaver massage involves paying exorbitant sums of money for a duly licensed professional to take the sharpened edge of a meat cutting instrument to your body.

H&N Pro-Tip: Don’t ask for a ‘happy finish’ with this one. In fact, it’s best to avoid asking anyone holding a large cutting instrument to go near your reproductive organs.

The standard session also involves a ‘fortune reading’ as well, which lends tremendous credibility to the unproven medical practice.

Further, the knives apparently have “magical healing powers,” according to devotees. In fact, the cleavers are stored next to meteor rocks to increase their effectiveness. You just don’t get that kind of wizardly expertise at a Med-Check.

Safety is obviously going to be a concern with meat cleaver massage, but rest easy, friend. Practitioners aren’t allowed to massage if they’re in a bad mood, so you’re all good… Probably.

Check it out:

H&N Pro-Tip: Meat Cleaver Massage may not be covered by your Obamacare insurance plan. Check with your individual provider for more information.

Hammer and Nigel have more in the clip below – including Nigel’s first-hand experience with massage (just stop it).

(Photo by SSPL/Getty Images)