“Make COVID-19 Testing Sexy Again!”
That’s the latest campaign slogan under consideration by officials at the Center for Disease Control (CDC) as more and more Americans warm to the idea of hitting the drive-thru to experience the pleasure of allowing random healthcare workers in makeshift space suits to jam giant cotton swabs up your nasal cavity in an attempt to touch the back of your eyeball.
Yes, tremendous advancements in allowing healthcare professionals to purposefully wedge enlarged, medical-grade, Buick-sized Q-tips up your nose until you beg for mercy have prompted calls for the CDC to make “Fast Food Pandemic Detection” mainstream in the next 30-60 days (at which point the virus will have run its course and no longer pose a threat).
The creative minds at Chick-Fil-A have already pitched the CDC on an innovative “Swabs and Sandwiches” marketing campaign to encourage more Americans to take advantage of drive-thru testing locations in an effort to make COVID-19 detection, convenient, flavorful and fun!
CDC Director Robert R. Redfield offered praise for Chick-Fil-A’s concept, but noted that the sandwich chain’s troubled history with the LGBTQ community would be a barrier to awarding the company with exclusive testing rights.
“We want people from all walks of life, political persuasions, and sexual desires to get themselves tested,” said Redfield. “COVID doesn’t care whether you’re gay or not, and everybody knows only white, conservative Christians go to Chick-Fil-A.”
Redfield also noted that fast-food franchises – even upscale establishments like Chick-Fil-A – have fallen out of favor with health-conscious American eaters who prioritize bland, flavorless nutrition over delicious french-fried goodness.
“Fast food just doesn’t have the broad appeal we need for a mainstream marketing campaign,” explained Redfield, “but sexy, trim bodies and nice boobs is the kind of thing that encourages moms and dads to throw the kids in the SUV and head for their nearest swabbing location.”
With that in mind, the CDC elected to move forward with its tantalizing and titillating “Make COVID-19 Testing Sexy Again!” marketing slogan.
“Now, it’s just a matter of finding the right spokesperson,” Redfield explained. “We’re currently looking at a couple of gals in Indianapolis who do a radio show with some jackass named, Bob.”
Reporters at CNN confirmed Thursday that WIBC’s own Chicks on the Right are, in fact, the favored candidates to be the faces of CDC’s “Make COVID-19 Testing Sexy Again” campaign.
Mock, Daisy, and Bob discuss the Chicks’ ongoing negotiations with the CDC and what it means for the future of their radio show in the clip below.
Plus, Daisy reveals what it’s like to get “swabbed.”
Please Note: Portions of this article (mostly all of it, actually), are completely untrue and CDC Director Robert R. Redfield never said ANY of the stuff attributed to him in this blog post.
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