Now more than ever, Americans are enthusiastically embracing the extraordinary fun of blowing their hands off with consumer-grade fireworks.
And thanks to the generous growth of direct-to-consumer fireworks suppliers now found on the internet, just about anyone with a clean criminal record and a few extra dollars can indulge in this wholesome and patriotic pastime.
And despite rising costs for daily necessities under the Biden administration’s failed policies, with a little planning and shopping around, a budget-conscious consumer can probably afford to add the consumption of alcohol to their afternoon or evening of digit-destroying delights.
“Fun?” You bet!
But blowing your hand off in the most excruciatingly painful way possible isn’t all carefree, relaxing pleasure. Experts say there are a few important things to keep in mind before you commence your countdown to bodily obliteration:
- Make sure your video camera is on, fully charged, and your memory card has plenty of free space. There’s nothing more frustrating than blowing your hand off and discovering you missed out on capturing the big moment. This is the era of viral video, and you have a responsibility to share the enjoyment with others.
- Pop a few aspirins in advance. This will reduce your agonizing pain by a good 2-3% on average. Plus, aspirin is good for your heart!
- Choose a designated non-drinker in advance to be responsible for retrieving what’s left of your mangled hand and bringing it to the hospital.
A Florida man who blew off one of his hands while lighting fireworks over the July 4th holiday failed to heed these terrific tips for mangling his metacarpus.
“As soon as he lit it, it went off in flames,” said a witness to the incident who shockingly did not want to be identified. “He was in shock, but he was calm. It was like his hand was bleeding, we put ice, we tied his elbow so less blood flow.”
Hey, packing his elbow in ice! Good thinking!
Sadly, although this witness had the presence of mind to ice his one-handed friend’s elbow and drive him to a nearby hospital, neither he nor the victim remembered to bring along the now-detachable hand.
Hammer and Nigel have the heartwarming conclusion to this story in the clip below.
Fun Fact: A new report from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission says the number of firework-related injuries and deaths in the country is growing!
Keep up the good work, America!