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They’re cute… They’re furry… They’ll claw your eyes out and leave you with hamburger meat for a face if you offer a gesture of goodwill.

They are rabid attack squirrels with bad attitudes, and they’re headed to the suburbs to use your luxurious, inflatable, above-ground pool from Costco.

America 2020: In Which The CDC Has Ruined Life for Everyone

It’s a challenging time in America. A deadly and vicious virus has killed an astounding 0.00036563071% of our citizens, forcing drooling and inept politicians (Hi, Mayor Hogsett!) to lay down the law: No going to work, paying your mortgage, feeding your kids, going to the doctor for non-COVID-related purposes, or having sex while maskless until the threat of Coronavirus is eliminated (most likely in a couple of decades).

Worse yet, public pools have been closed until further notice.

Wake up and get smart, America. There’s a virus on the loose that is easily destroyed in seconds by moderately-warm temperatures Dial soap! We can’t have people splashing about in sterile, heavily-chlorinated water in 100-degree heat. Are you crazy?

Thus, more and more Americans are forced to rely upon themselves. They’re cutting their own hair. They’re developing alternative wiping materials. And they’re making the investment in above-ground, inflatable pools – a $20-$50 dollar financial expenditure that diminishes neighborhood property values by a generous 20-30% on average, according to real estate professionals.

Nothing like doing laps in 5’x5′ rubber tub made in China.

The above-ground inflatable pool is the backyard ornament that screams “I have no pride and gave up on my dreams of a better life long ago.”

Still, neighborhood squirrels seem to think these pools are the bomb, and they’re swimming, splashing, and drowning in them daily!

Editor’s Note: Not kidding! Squirrels drowning in backyard pools it’s actually a serious problem. It happens quite frequently.

Even worse? The very second you attempt to save one of these little stinkers they turn on you and claw your eyes out!

Observe:

The mother of the victim in the above video spoke to the respected bastion of journalistic integrity, Viral Hog, about her ordeal.

“I called my daughter outside to see a squirrel trapped in my granddaughter’s kiddie pool; and of course, being the animal lover she is, she had to attempt a rescue,” the traumatized mother said. “The squirrel was not quite as grateful as she had hoped! It leaps at her face as she recoils in horror and runs away screaming.”

Please Note: Professional squirrel wranglers advise laypersons to avoid any and all contact with sunbathing and/or swimming squirrels in your luxurious latex backyard Riviera.

Encountering Squirrels Like The Pros: How to Safely Deal with Fluffy-Tailed Rodents in Your Pool

  1. Call animal control to deal with the squirrel in the most appropriate manner possible.
  2. Do like your crazy and befuddled Uncle Joe Biden: Get a shotgun.
  3. Wait a while. Retrieve carcass once all movement and bubbles from beneath the surface cease.
  4. Ask the good Lord to bless you with rodent-free waters for generations to come.