A majestic and deeply satisfying ruling by the Department of Transportation has finally put an end to the era of nincompoops boarding airplanes with “emotional support animals” such as peacocks, gerbils, horses, hippos, and/or chimpanzees.
The federal agency charged with ensuring that America has the safest, most efficient, and chimp-free transportation system in the world announced Wednesday that it has revised its Air Carrier Access Act regulation on the transportation of service animals.
Per the DOT, “a service animal is defined as a dog that is individually trained to do work or perform tasks for the benefit of a person with a disability.”
Translation: Dogs are superior to every other animal on the planet.
Sorry, gerbil lovers.
Screaming children under the age of five are still permitted to ride in the plane’s cabin.