(Ezra Shaw / Staff / Getty Images)
EXT. A Quiet, Unassuming Suburban Neighborhood – Day
Jimmy, 10-years-old and dressed in Sears ‘Tuff Skin’ jeans, hops off his bike and walks to the door of a modest tri-level home. He hesitates, then excitedly knocks on the door.
A Title Card: “Plano, Texas – 1983”
Mrs. Linda Armstrong, a pleasant and friendly woman in her late 30s, answers the door and peers suspiciously at the young man in front of her.
“Hi, Mrs. Armstrong! I’m Jimmy from across the street. Can Lance come ride bikes with us? Puweeze! Puweeeeeeze! Puweeeeeeze! We promise we won’t let him go anywhere near those older boys selling performance-enhancing drugs, Ma’am! Like Nancy Reagan says, ‘Just Say No!’”
“And that was the day that young Jimmy pledged and failed to prevent his friend Lance Armstrong from getting his first taste of that devilishly delicious poison… Steroids…
“Young Lance would go on to achieve anabolically-enhanced fame and fortune as the world’s greatest cyclist… And then it all came crashing down… And the next time Jimmy invited his disgraced buddy, Lance, to ride bikes around the neighborhood, Jimmy would be forced to don a pair of anatomy-enhancing spandex shorts and shell out an extraordinary $30,000…”
INT. A Broadcast Facility in the Midwest Where Mike Pence Once Hosted a Show – Day
We see two extraordinarily tasty blondes, “Mock” and “Daisy,” mid-4… Uh… Mid-30s, and busily covering the news of the day for their radio show, “The Chicks on the Right.”
“Little Robbie,” 36, and wearing an extremely undersized t-shirt, pretends to listen intently, but his mind is elsewhere as he questions whether sleeping with a transvestite counts as ‘gay’ if you were really, really drunk at the time.
“So, disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong is apparently partnering up with ‘Out There Travel Company’ to offer people the opportunity to go for a bike ride with Armstrong and his former teammate George Hincapie in September. The cost? A mere $30,000!
“Now, does that include your own supply of steroids or is it B.Y.O.S.? Because if I have to shell out $30,000 AND cover the cost of my own steroids, I’m out!”
“God, I hate this guy. I really hate him. The only time that I didn’t think he came across as an incredible jerk was when he made that appearance in ‘Dodgeball,’ and that was before people knew what a jerk he really is!”
“And he actually makes ridiculous money already from his legacy, tainted though it might be. He makes millions from his podcast about cycling, he makes money from his ‘Mellow Johnny’s’ cycling shops in Austin, and he’s a complete and total jerk. But people still follow him and put money in his pocket because he’s still a big deal in the world of cycling despite his downfall.”
“Well now, he’s doing this ridealong with Lance in September called ‘The Move Mallorca 2020.’ There are 12 open spots and the money goes toward ‘accommodations, meals, bikes and support, as riders travel for five days and six nights across the Spanish island.’ No mention of steroids, however. So yes, it is in fact ‘B.Y.O.S.’”
“Yeah, no thank you very much. They could pay ME $30,000 to go on the ride and I might consider it. However, I can’t promise that I wouldn’t make a valiant effort to cause an unexpected mechanical disruption to Lance Armstrong’s bike. What? He wears a helmet, he’ll be fine!”
Smash Cut To:
INT. The Executive Office Suite of David Wood, Program Director for WIBC Radio – Day
Mr. Wood, early 50s, handsome, and dressed in business casual attire, explains to Chicks on the Right contributor Brian Baker that his latest piece for “Mock” and “Daisy” has led to a decision to terminate Brian’s employment.
Quietly first, but growing louder, we begin to hear the sounds of the Chicks on the Right’s segment about Lance Armstrong’s overpriced bike ride…”
Fade to Black:
Click below to enjoy an audio presentation of this thrilling script that’s sure to make the Hollywood Blacklist.
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