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Every long-term committed relationship has its ups and downs, and at some point in time, the fire in the master bedroom inevitably begins to cool.

The physical side of love can fade for a number of reasons:

  • Maybe your significant other has put on a little too much extra weight in the years since the FDA pulled Dexatrim from the shelves of Indianapolis’ own Hook’s Drug Stores.
  • Perhaps you’ve lost your sexual confidence since getting fitted for that prosthetic leg.
  • Or it could just be that an overbearing government opted to utilize the U.S. Constitution for sanitary purposes amid a critical nationwide shortage of toilet paper, ordered you and your partner to remain locked in your one-bedroom apartment under threat of imprisonment, and as a result, you find yourself increasingly identifying with Jack Nicholson’s character in “The Shining.”

Whatever the reason for your sex life now circling the proverbial low-flush American Standard crapper, relationship gurus say it’s never too late to recapture the magic of making sweet whoopee with that increasingly intolerable love of your life – unless, of course, he inadvertently calls out your mother’s name while you’re cuddling between the sheets in which case all bets are off.

And if COVID-19 is the thing that’s got you down, there’s good news on that front as well, dispassionate lovers!

Researchers at the “Hammer and Nigel Institute for Physical Intimacy & Proper Hygiene” have recently discovered that couples who incorporate fun and intellectually-stimulating elements of the deadly Coronavirus into their bedroom workouts report a 30% increase in feelings of attraction towards their less-than-ideal partners and a 20% decreased level of anxiety at the prospect of an untimely death.

So before you resort to serving your significant other a nice full-bodied cyanide on the rocks to quench their thirst, try incorporating a few of these COVID-19-inspired “safe words” into your bedroom duties tonight! We guarantee you’ll have yourselves one heck of a naked, sweaty good time!

Hammer and Nigel’s List of Approved COVID-19 Safe Words:


What It Means: When you keep scrolling through all of your social media feeds, looking for the most recent upsetting news about the latest catastrophe.

What It Sounds Like It Means: Scrolling through the digitally-scanned images of your parents’ private Polaroid photos from the early 70s.

Polaroid Camera


What It Means: A disease which can be transmitted to humans from animals.

What It Sounds Like It Means:

Cenk Uygur Horse


What It Means: Intruding on a private ZOOM conference.

What It Sounds Like It Means: One of the discredited claims about Donald Trump and Russian ‘call girls’ from the notorious Steele Dossier.

Donald Trump Steele Dossier


What It Means: A strong alcoholic beverage that is made when people are quarantined, or otherwise locked up or trapped in a location for an extended period of time.

What It Sounds Like It Means: Did you hear about the time that Dustin Diamond, aka “Screech” from “Saved By The Bell,” made an adult video?

Dustin Diamond


What It Means: A catchphrase that was used by MC Hammer when he would start dancing.

What It Means In The Hammer Household:

Jason Hammer

A Word of Caution: According to officials at the CDC (Center for Delightful Conjugality), “all ‘safe words’ should be common, top of mind, and easy to remember terms in order to minimize the chances of insult or injury to person or persons. Therefore, it is highly recommended that couples commit any and all COVID-19 bedroom terms to memory via the use of flashcards prior to bedtime.”

Please Note: Hammer and Nigel do NOT endorse the use of COVID-19 ‘safe words’ by elderly persons suffering from memory issues or cognitive decline. Yes, we’re looking at YOU, Jill and Joe Biden!

(Photo by David McNew/Getty Images)