Listen Live

First things first: You’re going to die. It’s inevitable. It’s part of the gig. The only questions are “When?” and “How?”

Actually, there’s also the question of whether you’ll vote democrat after you’re dead, but for the purposes of this blog post, will confine ourselves to the questions of “When will you die?” and “How will you die?” We’ll also fail to answer both questions with any degree of certainty; however, we’ll offer some helpful speculation on both points.

“When Will You Die?”

While no one can say for certain when you will kick the bucket, there’s a relatively high probability that you will die sometime in the month of January or December, according to the highly scientific ‘Calendar of Death’ – especially if you’re older.

Older people are more vulnerable in the winter months due to a combination of a rampant cold & flu season and diminished immunity due to age.

Also, studies show you have a greater chance of dying on Christmas day, the day after Christmas, or New Year’s Day than any other single day of the year.

So that narrows it down quite a bit and takes the fun out of the holidays too!

“How Will I Die?”

93% of all deaths, according to the Centers for Disease Control, are due to natural causes. This is true even if you live on the East side of Indianapolis.

The most common strategies the Lord will use to take you out are circulatory problems, respiratory diseases, endocrine/nutritional/metabolic problems, digestive diseases, and cancer.

In other words, you’re probably not going to die from COVID, so what do you say we ditch those mask and vaccine mandates and fire Fauci now, eh?

“Looking Forward.” 

Now that we’ve narrowed down approximately when and how you’ll die, it’s time to start planning that funeral!

Cremation of burial? Open casket or closed? Luxurious walnut or pine box?

And what about a guest list? Who’s banned from attending?

How about music choices? Will there be a deejay or do you prefer a live orchestra?

How about food selections? Will snacks and beverages be provided or should guests pack a cooler?

And what about proper attire and standards of conduct for the duration of the funeral? What are your preferences?

These are all important questions to answer before you depart from this world.

Need a little inspiration for planning your dream funeral? Check out the following video from TikTok star Grandma Droniak. With nearly 4 million followers, Grandma’s funeral is bound to be pretty packed,  so she’s established some rules for her future guests to adhere to when she croaks.

Still not sure what you’d like for your ‘final’ party? Funeral planning experts Jason and Chrystal Hammer have more tips in today’s edition of “Is This Anything?”