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A woman in Akron, Ohio last week contacted the Health Department and local police over fears that the meal she had prepared for her family contained a nonessential ingredient: a man’s penis.

According to the Akron Beacon Journal, Lamia Singfield bought a package of smoked TURKEY tails at a nearby Save A Lot supermarket to prepare a pot of nutritious and non-erotic PORK n’ beans.

Singfield was in the middle of a Facebook Live video while preparing the meal when she looked down and was horrified to discover that one particular piece of cooking in her reasonably-priced Faberware crockpot looked surprisingly phallic.

Naturally, Singfield did what any rational person who found a penis in their crockpot would do: she poked at it with a fork.

“It’s got the folds,” Singfield told her fellow Facebook forensic experts. “Upon further investigation, there’s a hole at the tip.”

Then she called the cops.

“I called the police because I examined it and it is what it is,” she said in a second Facebook Live video. “The police came and they examined it, and it is, in fact, a penis. They are calling the medical examiner out here right now, and the coroner, because somebody is missing they stuff. Save A Lot has got some explaining to do.”

The Akron Police did deliver the meat to the Summit County Medical Examiner’s Office, where tests determined that it was pork and DEFINITELY not kosher.

All the same, Save A Lot issued a statement that assured customers that they take “issues of quality” like this one very seriously and they don’t sell severed penises at any of their Akron, Ohio stores.

In fairness to Singfield…

…We see the resemblance.

H&N Pro Tip: Don’t buy discount meat.

Also, check out this edition of “Is This Anything?” from the Hammer and Nigel Show.

Photo: CRIS BOURONCLE/AFP via Getty Images