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A drunken thief with a potty mouth and poor spacial awareness behind the wheel of her car is wanted by authorities in Portland, Oregon for felony DUI hit-and-run and attempted vehicular manslaughter. 

According to reports, a drunken woman at a Portland bar stole another gal’s money, called her a b*tch during a parking lot confrontation, crushed the victim’s car with her SUV, and nearly crushed the victim’s legs in the process! Then, adding insult to injury, the suspect fled the scene!

Witnesses to the crime blamed the incident on ‘white privilege’ and an increased sense of entitlement and national rage following the 2016 election of Donald Trump.

The violent, yet visually pleasing incident occurred in the parking lot of Portland’s Heritage Pub, which boasts a 3.5-star rating on Yelp! and receives high praise for their karaoke nights. And unlike Kilroy’s in Indianapolis, at Heritage Pub, you are highly unlikely to encounter Chicks on the Right producer Rob Kendall drinking Long Island Iced Teas and singing Bette Midler tunes.

An apparent witness to the chaos offered the following description of what occurred: “Crazy Drunk b**** stole some innocent ladies money from the bar and got called out and try to run over the lady after stealing her money now she is getting charged with DUI hit-and-run and attempted vehicular manslaughter stupid b****.”

Fun Fact: Punctuation is now optional in Portland. Plastic straws are not.

Like all potentially deadly drunken encounters in America, the entire incident was captured on video by an amused bystander. While that man is unlikely to be hailed a hero by local law enforcement, he earned high praise for his shot composition, use of lighting, and directorial decision to shoot the incident in the much-preferred horizontal aspect ratio versus the more common vertical mode. 

We thank the videographer for his quick thinking and selfless service to a viral-hungry humanity.

Responsible citizens in Portland were outraged by the footage, which revealed that the suspect was driving a carbon-spewing SUV. 

Hammer and Nigel will have more on this important American story today from 3pm-7pm on WIBC.