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Okay, this exotic pet & emotional support animal trend has to stop NOW! You don’t need a pet chimp, pet skunk, pet alligator, pet raccoon, and you DEFINITELY don’t need a pet opossum like this putz from California, Gerald Tautenhahn.
Introduction: Gerald Tautenhahn is Different from Other Kids
Gerald Tautenhahn is one of those guys who can’t act like a normal person and buy himself a dog or a cat. No, Gerald has to be special! Gerald has to express himself in unique and special ways that identify him as a fella who’s not like other guys. And what better way to express his individuality than to buy something creepy and weird that ensures he never gets a girl back to his efficiency apartment again and the family bloodline stops with him.
Chapter 1: In Which Gerald’s Opossum Goes to See His Kinfolk
Apparently Gerald’s opossum, Zatara, had an itch to spend the holidays with family, so Gerald bought a travel crate, cashed out his frequent flyer points, and boarded a plane to Austin with his emotional support rodent.
Chapter 2: “Rodent in the Sky with Rabies”
Somehow Gerald got past airport security (score another one for the TSA) and boarded the plane with his rabies-carrying best friend. Gerald knew he’d be a deep feces if he was caught with his little buddy mid-flight, so he waited until after they’d deplaned to announce his little weekend getaway with Zatara “the wonder opossum” on Instagram.
Chapter 3: In Which Gerald and Zatara Can’t Get Home
Gerald got kicked off his original return JetBlue flight home to California (something about bringing a rodent onboard) and wound up stranded for a few days.
Gerald eventually booked a ticket on a United flight, and because he didn’t want to lie about bringing the animal onboard (Gerald and Zatara have scruples), he simply concealed the animal and didn’t tell the flight attendants that Zatara was tagging along.
Apparently Gerald has never of “lying by omission.”
Epilogue:
Gerald, get a dog and join the rest of us as productive members of society whenever you’re ready. Opossums are good for one thing and one thing only: hitting with your car.
Point to Ponder:
Would you rather be seated next to a screaming baby for four hours or a rodent who bites?
Point to Ponder Part 2:
Would you rather be seated next to a screaming baby for four hours, a rodent who bites, or Hammer and Nigel?
Think it over as you listen to a clip from today’s show.
