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Get the popcorn and Jujubes ready! Biden’s got a State of the Union address to deliver!

Next Tuesday, March 1st, in the two-thousand twenty-second year of our Lord, Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr. will shuffle his way to the podium and attempt to coherently read entire sentences from a teleprompter.

Here’s an exciting preview of what’s to come:


Tuesday’s State of the Union will give Mr. Biden an opportunity to boast of the many accomplishments in year one of his presidency:

  1. Highest annual inflation rate in 40 years.
  2. The fall of Kabul to the Taliban following the disastrous U.S. withdrawal from Afghanistan.
  3. Intentional loss of energy independence.
  4. Soaring rates of violent crime across the nation.
  5. An unprecedented surge of illegal immigration at the southern border.
  6. 532,588 total COVID deaths (and counting).
  7. The Russian invasion of Ukraine.
  8. The supply chain crisis.
  9. Kamala Harris.

*Please note, the above list is by no means comprehensive.

The President is also expected to attempt a Jedi mind trick during his speech in which he aims to convince Americans that the next three years of his administration will not be pure hell for us all.

The fortunate souls who fall under Biden’s spell will live in ignorant bliss for the years to come. This state of being is more commonly referred to as “being a Democrat.”

Those who are less susceptible to political hypnosis are encouraged to cope with the reality of the Biden presidency by becoming raging alcoholics.

And the reality is grim indeed. At present, there is no Constitutional provision to recall a sitting U.S. President. This means we’re stuck with Brandon until early 2025 – unless he takes a dirt nap, of course, in which case we’re really screwed.

No doubt Biden will have a few surprises up his sleeve Tuesday night (and perhaps a few in his shorts).

After careful observation of this career politician for the last several years, however, we can confidently offer the following 5 Wholesome Predictions For Biden’s State Of The Union Address:

#1 Biden will have to be directed where to stand by an aide.

#2 A republican will be caught napping.

#3 Biden will misplace his mask – while wearing it.

#4 Biden will refer to Russian President Vladimir Putin as “Victor Pudding.”

#5 More “Biden Whisper” ASMRs

Hammer and Nigel have more in the clip below.