First things first: no one is interested in attending your stupid, narcissistic, explosive-filled gender reveal party. We repeat, NO ONE!
We don’t care if you’ve hired a Major League Baseball player to hit a giant ball of confetti, a canon, or a guy in a jet pack; NO ONE WANTS TO GO.
Look, we already bought you gifts when you excitedly revealed that you were pregnant. We’ll even purchase MORE gifts for you when the baby arrives. But we don’t want to give up a perfectly good afternoon that could be spent watching television and drinking beer just to see your little ‘one and done’ gender-themed firework show.
Overindulgent Lady Who Is Pregnant: “Oh, but there will be snacks and adult beverages!”
Unfortunate Husband Of Pregnant Lady’s BFF: “Swell, alcohol and explosives! What could possibly go wrong?”
Overindulgent Lady Who Is Pregnant: “But don’t you care whether we’re having a boy or a girl? Aren’t you excited to find out?”
Unfortunate Husband Of Pregnant Lady’s BFF: “I barely cared that you were pregnant. Why would I give a crap about the baby’s gender?”
Overindulgent Lady Who Is Pregnant: “What if I get my husband to fire the confetti rocket from between his butt cheeks?”
Unfortunate Husband Of Pregnant Lady’s BFF: “Now we got us a show!”
Anyway, a married couple of questionable intelligence set off 80 pounds worth of explosives last month at their Kingston, NH gender reveal party. The explosion was so violent that it prompted multiple calls to 911.
Fun Fact: Gender reveal parties are notorious for going wrong and causing massive damage to property and person. In 2017, a ‘reveal’ caused a fire in Arizona that burned 47,000 acres of land, took 800 firefighters to contain, and did $8.2 million in damage. Cars have caught fire multiple times during gender reveal parties, and several people have died just at them in the last 12 months.
Look, just stop having these gender reveal parties, okay? For the sake of everyone, just stop it… Unless you’re going to do the butt cheek thing. But other than that, knock it off.
Hammer and Nigel have additional insightful commentary on this important issue in American society in today’s edition of “Is This Anything?”