COVID-19 is here and so are the latest completely ineffective, but totally chic masks from this year’s top designers!
Fashion and infectious disease-conscious men and women take note as we unveil our top picks for 2020’s trendiest facemask designs.
“The Abortion Activist”
From Krakow, Poland comes “The Abortion Activist.”
Featuring a classic, tapered fit in a distinct “blood red” and accented by a “black soul” lightning bolt logo in hand-drawn Crayola ink, the clean lines and eye-popping colors of the “The Abortion Activist” are the perfect fashion statement for the woman who is obsessed with protecting her own health, but not that of her unborn child.
“The Pandemic Penis”
From Utah mother, Mindy Vincent comes the tastefully-erotic and stunningly stylish “Pandemic Penis.”
Featuring CDC-approved 75% facial coverage and a racially-inclusive penis print, the “Pandemic Penis” mask utilizes innovative dual-purpose phallic technology. Handsomely crafted semi and fully-erect penises beckon the inquisitive stranger to lean in for a closer look, providing the wearer an opportunity to launch into a self-righteous diatribe about “inconsiderate morons not adhering to the six foot social distancing recommendations of the CDC.”
“The Meow-Meow Bandit”
Feline fanatics will love “The Meow Meow Bandit” from unnaturally cat-obsessed designers in the United Kingdom.
This stealth-inspired lightweight pullover bandana conceals the face in covert black while an embroidered cat nose and whiskers proudly hint at the wearer’s probable emotional baggage and inability to cope with even the most minuscule responsibilities of grown-up life. “The Meow Meow Bandit” is the mask that warns men to “Stay Away For The Sake of Your Health… AND Your Sanity.”
“The Ninja Gaiden”
From 30-year-old college graduates who still live in their parents’ basement comes “The Ninja Gaiden.”
With a design inspired by the courageous and totally fictional “Ryu Hayabusa” of Nintendo fame, “The Ninja Gaiden” features a shiny and overstated black in a form-fitting tri-blend of cotton, polyester, and unfulfilled potential. Pair with a Cheeto-stained T-shirt and rarely-washed vintage Umbro shorts for a look that says, “I have no marketable skills and no earthly idea how to please a woman in bed.”
“The Environmentalist Minimalist”
“The Environmentalist Minimalist” is a revolution in environmentally-friendly yet socially-irresponsible facewear.
Featuring no legitimate protection against the transmission of COVID-19 whatsoever, a 50% face coverage design requires only half the material of traditional masks. “The Environmentalist Minimalist” lets people know you care about minimizing your carbon footprint and did your part for the environment prior to your untimely death.
“The Attention Seeker”
With an overtly obnoxious space-age design that begs strangers to notice, “The Attention Seeker” is a surprisingly comfortable and unnecessarily hi-tech option for gainfully-employed men with great incomes and poor self-esteem.
Featuring translucent materials and an unproven design, “The Attention Seeker” is the mask that lets random strangers know your overpriced luxury apartment is filled to the brim with worthless crap from the Sharper Image catalog.
Popularized by Howie Mandel and created for the sufferer of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder who could give a good crap about how stupid he looks, “The Snuffleupagus” features comprehensive, full-bodied protection from the COVID-19 virus, while a design flaw that allows air to recirculate in the suit subjects the wearer to unpleasant odors in the event of unintended expulsion of flatus.
Opting to prioritize function over fashion, the elite pandemic experts who created “The Snuffleupagus” based its design on the look of a beloved character from “Sesame Street” in a valiant effort to minimize the level of trauma inflicted upon young children who inadvertently encounter wearers of the suit in public.
Those are our top picks for 2020’s most fashionable COVID-19 facewear, but click below to join the Chicks on the Right as they run down their list of honorable mentions.