(Screen Capture: John Murray/Getty Images)
You remember that scene in “Death Proof” where Kurt Russell offers the skank at the bar a ride home in his stunt car, but once she’s in, he locks the doors, speeds away and smashes into another car, ripping her face off? That’s basically what happened to a couple in Richmond, Virginia who took a ride with the wrong Uber driver (except for the face-ripping off part).
Here’s what happened as best as we can decipher from all evidence supplied to the forensic video analysts at WIBC:
A nice American couple of the highest moral character decided to patronize a nice American ride-sharing service called “Uber.”
“Uber,” a German superlative that roughly stands for “everywhere,” “best,” or “exceeds the norms,” is America’s favorite ride-sharing service, beloved for its low fares and relatively few number of drivers who sexually assault their passengers.
So this nice American couple was in the midst of Uberrific bliss when all of a sudden, a reckless driver – possibly an employee of Lyft who was pissed off that he missed out on the fare – smashed into Uber driver’s surprisingly-sanitary midsize sedan and fled the scene.
The Uber driver, already pissed off at life by virtue of the fact that he now works for a ride-sharing service, put the pedal to the metal and chased after the hit-and-run driver post haste!
Hit-and-Run Turns Hit-and-Fun!
High-speed driving on public streets is incredibly dangerous; however, the driver for Uber appeared fully confident due to the fact that he has conditioned himself to such a scenario via multiple viewings of “The Fast & the Furious” franchise, which he proudly owns on Blu-Ray. #RIPPaulWalker.
Video shows the Uber driver running multiple red lights, weaving in and out of traffic, and courageously ignoring the horrified pleas of his passengers who are begging him to stop and let them out of the vehicle.
At this point in the adventure, the couple calls 911 to advise of their impending death as they continue to beg the Uber driver for their release.
ATTENTION READER: Don’t pass out yet! This is where things REALLY get fun!
The Uber driver, who you recall is chasing a hit-and-run driver, is t-boned by ANOTHER random car (Possibly a runaway Tesla. Those things are always going batsh*t like a modern-day “Christine”).
Now then, upon impact, does Mr. Uber driver, enforcer of justice and hit-and-run vigilante stop his vehicle? Of course not, you fool!
INESCAPABLE CONCLUSION: Should you ever become the victim of a hit-and-run driver, your best course of action is to pay that hit-and-run forward. It’s the Christian thing to do.
We now invite you to amuse yourself by heartlessly laughing hysterically at a terrified couple in a crisis situation:
Please Note: the couple lived, changed their underwear, and provided evidence to police, which led to the Uber driver getting charged with abduction, reckless driving, and FELONY HIT-AND-RUN. #Irony
Hammer and Nigel have the exciting conclusion to this thrilling tale of Uber survival in today’s edition of “Is This Anything?”
