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American children – especially toddlers – are curious creatures with peculiar tastes and habits, and their propensity for enthusiastically placing disgusting crap into their mouths has kept many a pediatrician current on their Lexus payment amid times of financial recession (or overreaching healthcare legislation).

Two years ago, my best friend’s child ate a piece of well-seasoned, sun-baked dog poop from their yard. The family is still recovering from the incident (as is the dog).

When I was in Los Angeles, I watched a kid at a bus stop pull a piece of second-hand chewing gum from the curb and shove THAT in his mouth.

Toys, pennies, worms, soap, dirt, sand, shoes, dog tails, boogers, and cat food are all considered delicacies with the unofficial “4 and under” culinary dining club. There simply is no end to the many things a child will willingly place in his or her mouth… Until mealtime, of course, when they lock their jaws and refuse to eat ANYTHING you put in front of their spoiled little faces.

This brings us to actor Armie Hammer – no relation to Jason Hammer – whose two-year-old son has a taste for the exotic: daddy’s toes.

Fascinatingly disturbing, no?

Now look, I’m all for a little mutual toe sucking between consenting adults with meticulous grooming habits, but sharing that activity with your kids on game night is where I draw the line. Maybe I grew up in a wildly different family cultural environment than Armie Hammer, but toe-sucking sessions with the kids are something we just didn’t do growing up. If we had, I’d guarantee I’d be seeing my therapist a good three times a week instead of twice a month.

Understand, however, that I’m not judging Armie (very much) for allowing his kid to suck on his toe. Nothing wrong with enjoying a wacky and bizarre moment with your toddler, Armie. You do you!

That said, posting that video of your kid on the internet? Dude, what the hell were you thinking? The camera out of focus, the lighting was wrong, and you clearly have no understanding of narrative or story structure when it comes to building dramatic tension. How many years have you been in the business?

By the way, you know the internet is forever, right? 

WIBC’s Hammer and Nigel discussed Armie Hammer and family toe sucking on Monday’s show. Click below to hear as Hammer illustrates his point by the utilization of a fictional anecdote involving ‘Bananas & Butt Cheeks.’