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In these challenging times of pandemic despair, America desperately needs a designated ‘spreader of cheer’ to lift the hearts of our weary citizens.

Ah, but who? It’s not an easy job that just any jackass can fill. No, this is a task for a professional with a specialized skillset.

And how shall he spread his message of cheer and warm the hearts of the many?

Will he fill the stomachs of the ravenously hungry by purchasing lunch for the entire nation at Chick-Fil-A?

Will he make it his mission to bestow unwelcome Biden-esque hugs on vaccinated and unvaccinated persons alike?

Will he take credit for rancid farts he didn’t cut to save random, flatulent-rich strangers from embarrassment?

Our hero finds himself in a predicament: everyone has a different idea of what constitutes the spreading of love, laughter, and cheer.

In the opinion of Texas lawyer Mark Metzger, nothing brings a smile to a little child’s face like a beach encounter with a knife-wielding, blood-soaked “Michael Myers” impersonator.

Metzger recently put his thoughtful theory to the test by taking a stroll near the surf while dressed as the beloved and joy-spreading serial killer from “Halloween.” Sadly, Mr. Metzger’s philanthropic efforts went unrewarded.

Metzger was heartlessly arrested by joy-killing police officers for disorderly conduct and cited.

But Metzger was not deterred in his God-given mission to be a terror-inducing blessing to others.

Metzger argued in an ill-advised Facebook post that his obvious lack of judgment was all about “bringing positive vibes to the gloom and doom out there, generating some laughter, helping people crack a smile, and restoring our faith in humanity through humor.”

“So if taking a silly walk down the beach during a storm in a costume, and subsequently being arrested for disorderly conduct accomplished any of that …. then I’d do it again all day every day,” Metzger wrote.

America owes you a debt of gratitude, Mr. Metzger. Thank you for your service to your country.

Hammer and Nigel have more in the clip below.