Listen Live

Who knew you needed highly sophisticated digital technology in a plumbing fixture that collects doo-doo?

Scientists at Duke knew it, and they decided to take action for the betterment of bowel movements and the benefit of mankind.

Yes, these prolific probers for the advancement of porcelain poo-catchers are developing an artificial intelligence tool that can capture a photograph of your dirty dumplings and send it to your doctor for enjoyable viewing and analysis. Upon completion of your fecal forensic, the doctor can then offer the most effective treatment for whatever ails your anus.

With any luck, your chronic inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) and irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) will be a thing of the past!

The work is being done by Duke University’s Center for Water, Sanitation, Hygiene, and Infectious Disease (WaSH-AID), and was presented Saturday at the conference for Digestive Disease Week 2021.

Editor’s Note: Now, why didn’t we lure that event to Indy? A conference like that brings revenue and it certainly presents a lesser risk for violence. Digestion enthusiasts aren’t likely to riot or shoot people, but an angry Super Bowl fan is an emotional tinderbox of potentially dangerous behavior.

“Typically, gastroenterologists have to rely on patient self-reported information about their stool to help determine the cause of their gastrointestinal health issues, which can be very unreliable,” said Deborah Fisher, MD, associate professor of medicine at Duke University and one of the lead authors on the study.

Editor’s Note: Perhaps it’s the typical American diet and ‘carb-less craze’ of recent years that’s to blame, Doctor Fisher? Heck, Indy’s got itself at least 25 different gourmet burger joints in town (yet another thing that should have caught the attention of Digestive Disease Week conference organizers).

“Patients often can’t remember what their stool looks like or how often they have a bowel movement, which is part of the standard monitoring process,” Fisher added. “The Smart Toilet technology will allow us to gather the long-term information needed to make a more accurate and timely diagnosis of chronic gastrointestinal problems.”

Editor’s Note: I’ll bet it was Holcomb’s mask mandate and Coronavirus restrictions that put Indy out of the running.

And good news for you folks who regard your American Standard as a beloved member of the family and can’t bear to part with it: Duke researchers say this AI technology for tookie can be added to any standard toilet.

Here’s a demonstration video of how this thing would theoretically work:

Actually, that’s from an episode of “Better Call Saul,” but we’ve been looking for an excuse to use it in a blog post at some point.

Editor’s Note: No, it wasn’t Holcomb’s Coronavirus restrictions that drove conference organizers away, it was the homicide rate under Hogsett.

Hammer and Nigel have more insight into Duke’s porcelain programmers in the clip below.