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Thanksgiving is just around the corner, and this year promises to be an enjoyable and festive day of “narcing out” your beloved neighbors!

According to a 2020 survey by Rasmussen, 36% of American patriots would be willing to call the cops on their neighbors if they noticed an egregious violation of government-mandated social-distancing rules.


There is a huge partisan difference. By a 44% to 31% margin, a plurality of Democrats would turn their neighbors in. By a 60% to 25% margin, Republicans would not. Independents are evenly divided.

**Please Note: White residents of San Francisco who call 911 to report Black neighbors for flagrant social distancing violations will be subject to prosecution under the city’s most recent piece of ‘hate crimes’ legislation, the “CAREN” Act.

Question: “If I don’t narc on my neighbors, am I a traitor to my country?”

Answer: Absolutely, friend! Unproven science proves that we can only achieve a lower Coronavirus mortality rate if we stick together by reporting on our neighbors, family, and friends. We must ALL share the same beliefs and obey our government. That’s how it works in North Korea, and they haven’t had a single death from Coronavirus yet!

Fact: COVID-19 is a deadly virus that spreads like wildfire – but only when families gather in groups of 10 persons or more, per the brilliant mind of Emmy winner and renowned grandma-slayer, Governor Andrew Cuomo. Nine people in the same house is totally fine, but 10 people is deadly and grossly irresponsible.

Question: “I’m Catholic. I have eight kids plus my spouse. I don’t want to go to federal prison for several decades if we happen to get caught eating a large meal at home after being advised by the CDC for several months to stay out of restaurants and eat meals at home. What should I do?”

Answer: Evaluate your children. Which two do you like the least? Throw them out into the cold before the Thanksgiving holiday. You can let them back into the house when things are safe again on Friday at 12 am.

Question: “Our mother-in-law lives with us too. What now?”

Answer: Put your mother-in-law in the garage, preferably with a space heater.

Question: “I don’t have a space heater.”

Answer: Improvise by using the heater in your family SUV.

**Please Note: Do NOT start the engine in your SUV until you’ve taken the proper safety precautions.

  1. Close garage door to maximize heating efficiency.
  2. Securely attach a garden hose to your muffler with at least two (2) medium-sized zip ties.
  3. Detach opposite end of garden hose from the water spigot.
  4. Point the open end of the garden hose AWAY your home to avoid potential contamination of your treasured landscaping.
  5. Monitor your garage and “check-in” on an hourly basis to ensure your SUV hasn’t run out of gas and left your mother-in-law vulnerable to the freezing temperatures.

Point to Ponder: Even without Coronavirus killing Americans faster than Nancy Pelosi can kill a gallon of gin, is it EVER morally responsible to gather on Thanksgiving again?

To answer that question accurately, we must consider the holiday’s origins.

Thanksgiving occurs every year on the fourth Thursday in November and is based upon the colonial Pilgrims’ 1621 harvest meal, which enlightened and college-educated millennials with student loans in the high six figures have stopped celebrating because Thanksgiving is racist!

From bastion of journalistic integrity, Salon:

The potential message [of Thanksgiving] is tainted, though, both because the Wampanoag tribes — like the vast majority of Native American tribes encountered by England, Spain, Portugal, France and the Netherlands as they made their way through what would become the United States — were eventually victimized by genocide. As a result, the idea that the First Thanksgiving is a moment to be treasured feels grotesquely inappropriate.

Final Assessment: Thanksgiving is definitely racist. Salon Magazine said so.

Point to Ponder, The Sequel: Okay, but is it morally-acceptable to feel thankful on the day called “Thanksgiving” if we give thanks for non-racist reasons despite the fact that we’ve traditionally been thankful for reasons that may or may not have been racist but were primarily noticed on the racist holiday of Thanksgiving – even if we don’t officially celebrate Thanksgiving anymore because it’s so racist?

Best Answer: Play it safe and resist the urge to appreciate family, good health, and provision until the day after Thanksgiving when it’s not so racist to be thankful.

Oh, but DO turn in your neighbors for social-distancing violations on Thanksgiving – unless, of course, you’re doing it for racist reasons.

Are we clear?

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Speaking of ridiculous Coronavirus restrictions, Hamilton County and Marion County appear to be in a competitive battle to see who can place the most obnoxious limits on your freedoms as an Indiana taxpayer and an American citizen.

WIBC’s Rob Kendall and Ethan Hatcher have more in the clip below.