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It’s official: COVID-19 has ruined everything that brings joy, togetherness, love, and overconsumption of alcohol leading to sex with random strangers in the city of Indianapolis.

Here’s All The Fun Crap That’s Canceled for The Summer of 2020:

Please Note: Drunken sex with random strangers is still permitted by the CDC –  provided you wear a mask, of course. It’s just that you’ll have to meet those strangers at your regularly-scheduled riot.

The cancellation of Freedom Fest hits hard for the team at WIBC. It’s one of our favorite events every year, and frankly, for every person that’s spared from contracting COVID-19, it’s likely we’ll have two to three people who will wind up in the hospital anyway!

Drunken July 4th fireworks at home? Yeah, that won’t lead to any ER visits at all!

Consider The Following Mathematical Equation: Alcohol + Fireworks at Home = Lost Digits.

Mathematical Equation for Less Advanced Listeners: Beer + Fireworks Set-Off by Non-Professionals = Calling 911 to advise you just ‘blowed yer arm off!’

There is good news, however.

In the event that you inadvertently blow your face off or damage critical [censored by management] as a result of placing roman candles between your butt cheeks, you’ll still be able to enjoy quality entertainment from Hammer and Nigel as you recover in the hospital.