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There must have been a special on presidential pardons this week! Trump was handing them out like $100 bills at a Michael Bloomberg rally!

Seriously, our President is the Oprah Winfrey of pardons.

“You get a pardon! You get a pardon! I don’t even know your name, but YOU get a pardon!”

Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich? You get a pardon!

Former San Francisco 49ers owner Eddie DeBartolo Jr.? You get a pardon!

1980s junk bond king Michael Milken? You get a damn pardon too!


Step right up, we’ll guess your weight, and if we’re wrong, YOU get a pardon! Guess your weight on the nose? YOU STILL get a pardon!

Did someone break wind? Pardon YOU!

In fact, everyone who requests and receives a pardon in the next 15 minutes gets their very own replica White House red phone, handsomely crafted with actual nuclear codes etched right into the receiver!

Did Obama give you a free phone? Well… Actually, yes he did! Bad example!

Chicks on the Right? Provide a compelling commentary on today’s presidential pardons and YOU’LL get a pardon too! You gals don’t mind sharing a pardon, do you?