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Sigh… Another pointless controversy in the city of Carmel, Indiana, roundabout capital of the world, is upon us.

Editor’s Note: Don’t worry, Mayor Brainard; you’re in the clear on this one.

A new policy for Carmel schools now requires all non-school employees who walk into any school in the district to pass a background check. Yes, parents, that means you.

As an added bonus, the very individuals who must pass the background check must also foot the bill for said background check. Bully!

The new rule is actually an update to a previous policy that strictly applied to school volunteers. 

Now the policy has been expanded to pretty much everyone – including those who wish to break bread in a Carmel school with their child. Yes, parents and grandparents, this means you!

The background check is good for three years and will cost you $13.95 (but check Groupon for deals).

The majority of Carmel residents have a favorable view of the new policy. After all, just because a parent shows up bearing cold cuts and apple juice doesn’t mean they’re not an Islamic terrorist. Any prolific serial killer can pick himself up a pair of pressed slacks, Sperry topsiders, and a “Go Greyhounds” sweatshirt. That’s right; you’re not fooling ANYONE, Liz Brainard… If that’s even your real last name!

Naturally, there are the inevitable whines about Carmel school’s new policy – primarily from those who resent paying $13.95 to visit their kid at school. You know the type: they pretend to reach for their wallet when the bill comes for dinner at St. Elmos, then tell you with a straight face that they’ll “getcha next time!” Of course, when ‘next time’ finally does come around, they’ve suddenly got a craving for cheese sticks at Applebees. 

Here’s the good news about the Carmel schools background check policy: it doesn’t matter whether you support it or not! No child wants to see his or her parent’s face at the school lunch table – not one! That goes double for parents of high schoolers!

“Aw gee, thanks for being here, Ma. That’ll definitely cut down on all the bullying I’ve been subjected to this year. Hey, you got any of my baby pictures in your wallet? I’m sure the gang would love to see those ‘naked in bathtub’ ones.”

Stay home, Carmel parents. Your kids will thank you for it.

This message brought to you by the Chicks on the Right.