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At a time when Americans are apparently more concerned than ever about becoming a victim of a mass shooting, the fine corporate brain trust of Walmart and Kroger have a message for their customers: “Please do everything humanly possible to decrease your chance of survival in the unfortunate event that a crazed lunatic begins shooting up innocent people and produce in one of our stores.” 

I’m paraphrasing, of course, with a heavy tone of sarcasm. What Walmart and Kroger are specifically telling their customer base is that ‘open carry’ is no longer permitted inside their stores. Law enforcement officers are exempt.

Why the change? Because whenever liberal shoppers see a gun, they immediately defecate in their pants out of fear. This is known as the “irrational and illogical fear of firearms reflex” – an increasingly common ailment afflicting gun control advocates in the Trump era.

While conservatives have voiced their objection to Walmart and Kroger’s desire to limit shoppers’ ability to exercise their Constitutional rights, the reality is that there is a relatively low risk to customers’ safety at the aforementioned companies’ stores across the nation, according to politically-biased experts. No, really!

In other news, 22 people were killed and 27 more were wounded in August in an El Paso Walmart shooting. 

Also, one person was wounded in an Indiana Walmart shooting on Sunday.

And in addition, two people were killed and one officer was wounded in July during a shooting at a Southhaven, MS Walmart.

Furthermore, Police are investigating a social media threat of the ‘biggest mass shooting in modern American history’ targeting Walmart stores in Missouri.

And while we’re on the topic, one day after the El Paso shooting, a  Florida man threatened to ‘shoot up’ a Walmart where his mother works.

Oh! By the way, a 21-year-old man was charged with murder in August after shooting another man in the parking lot of a Walmart in Auburn, ME. 

And did you hear that in February at a Walmart in North Bergen, N.J., a woman squirted pepper spray at people around the customer service desk, temporarily blinding some employees and customers? She then retreated into a back room, wielding a knife and shouting obscenities.

And dig this: In August, a customer grabbed a kitchen knife off a shelf, began unwrapping it and threatened an employee, prompting an evacuation of a Walmart in Marietta, GA.

Ironically, a man was arrested at the same Marietta, GA store a couple of weeks prior for attempting to kidnap a 9-year-old from the bathroom.

And according to the New York Times, in some cities in Kentucky, calls to law enforcement related to Walmart sites account for as much as 36 percent of all crime reports.

And according to Bloomberg Business week in 2016, the police department in Tulsa, Ok., logged 1,700 more calls for service at their Walmart locations than their next leading retailer.

And according to the Tampa Bay Times, in some years, local police departments have received, on average, two calls every hour about problems at Walmart stores in several Florida counties.

But I don’t want to unfairly pick on Walmart.

Hey, did you hear about the shooting last month at a Kroger in Louisville? No? 

Ooh! Remember the Jeffersontown, KY Kroger shooting that claimed two lives back in October of 2018? Not ringing a bell, huh?

Hey, speaking of October, how about that shooting that took place at a Kroger on the Southside of Indianapolis back in 2017? Still not jogging your memory, eh?

Well look, none of that is important. The fact is, the corporate divisions of Walmart and Kroger want you to know that ‘open carry’ is now strictly forbidden at their stores. Why? Because they care about your safety, you red state pro-gun bastard! 

That grocery delivery service from Amazon is looking better and better, isn’t it?