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Hey, did you hear the news? We talked to the H.R. department at your place of employment today, and it turns out you’re going to be killed by your co-worker. Yes, it was something we’d hoped to avoid, but it’s become absolutely crucial in order to maintain morale at the organization. 

Oh, we suppose you deserve the courtesy of knowing WHY you’re going to be killed, yes? Well, the folks at the BBN Times conducted a survey on that, and these are the results:

Top 5 Reasons You’re a Dead Man (or Woman):

1. Hygiene

You know that thing in your bathroom that squirts water within a tiled enclosure? It’s called a “shower.” You know that white bar that gets sudsy when the water hits it? That’s called “soap.” Get naked in the morning, step into this modern “shower” contraption, and then proceed to wipe the bubble-making bar over your body until the stink is gone. Then use something called “toothpaste” on your gingivitis-afflicted mouth and put deodorant on your armpits. Seriously, you smell like a morgue that’s located in the fecal processing division of a zoo. The odor is like a skunk that crawled out of the ass of another skunk. Everyone on your floor in the organization is aware of the problem, and they all have a sensitive gag reflex. 

2. Ignoring Emails

Yes, we realize you’re getting 600-700 free porn pics per day, which tends to clog your inbox, but it’s been three months and we’re still waiting for you to confirm your planned attendance of the bi-annual corporate ass-kissing gathering this spring. Are you having the chicken or the beef? Let us know, ASAP because the assistant to the boss turns into a real witch when she doesn’t get a reply from everyone in a timely manner. 

3. Leaving a Mess in the Kitchen

This may come as a shock, but other people use the kitchen besides you. We’re really happy that you enjoy your wife’s substandard cooking (are you sure she’s not attempting to poison you as well?), but her left-over lasagna smells like oregano-scented roadkill when you torch it in the microwave, and it splatters like your corpse is going to splatter when the cleaning lady finally loses her s*** and tosses you from the six-floor balcony to the pavement below. 

4. Having a Messy Desk

How many framed pictures of your dog do you need? He’s been dead for six years, and he probably committed suicide. Get over it! And ditch the collection of $0.30 snow globes from all the places you’ve traveled. Every single f***ing globe is from a domestic airport, and the only snow they’ve got in Miami is from Columbia – the originator of the Columbian necktie murder, which is exactly what’s going to happen to you if you don’t clean your s*** up!

5. Interrupting Phone Calls

Do we bother you when you’re having phone sex with your cousin in Toledo? Okay then. 

Bottom Line: You have to die. We’re reasonable people, however, and good sports. We’ll give you a head start. RUN!

Also, listen to Hammer and Nigel, Monday through Friday from 3p-7pm on WIBC.