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Dust off the Darwin Award, kids. We’ve got ourselves a new champion.

In yet another, shining example of dumb ass exceptionalism, Edwin Smith, a 69-year-old moron in North Carolina “blowed” his arm off with his own shotgun Monday morning, after a security contraption he created misfired as he tried to feed squirrels through the back door. 

That’s right; the man socializes with squirrels AND he owns a deadly weapon. ‘Merica! USA, Muther F@#$er!

In 911 audio released by multiple media outlets, Smith tells a dispatcher, “I just blowed my arm off. Please hurry, I’m gonna die. I’m gonna die. I’m in the driveway, I’m gonna die. Just tell everybody I love them, OK?”

Spoiler alert: Smith didn’t die. In the future, however, he’ll be forced to use his other arm when feeding squirrels.

Thus, we have another cautionary tale of redneck home security gone wrong.

Click the link below to hear Hammer and Nigel’s hilarious commentary as they listen to the official 911 call: