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Please note: As a result of the extraordinary level of journalistic integrity displayed this last weekend by the fine mainstream ‘news’ organizations of America, we have come to the inescapable conclusion that CNN and other liberal media outlets are unlikely to shake that whole ‘fake news’ moniker for the remainder of the 21st century.

See, here’s the thing:

It’s not as though a legitimate news organization isn’t entitled to experience the old ‘whoops-a-daisy’ from time to all the time; it’s just that we have a deeply-rooted belief that in those increasingly less rare occasions when intentionally false or misleading reports result in innocent children receiving death threats, the organizations responsible for said journalistic malpractice should apologize immediately and issue a retraction. It’s just the neighborly thing to do.

For inexplicable reasons, however, the aforementioned retractions and apologies have yet to surface. Perhaps each of the media ‘professionals’ involved in this three-day s*** storm have composed hand-written letters of apology that were sent via traditional snail mail? That would more than explain the delay. Yes, that must be it.

CNN, Washington Post, Huffington Post, New York Times, and MSNBC, our sincerest congratulations to each of you for acheiving multiple days in a row of consistent, biased, and inaccurate reporting! You’ve truly raised the bar.

Yes, false reporting that heretofore was primarily limited to your standard issue lone jackass survivalist with a blog somewhere in the desert has officially gone mainstream with the Ted Turner seal of approval. 

*Please note: All eligible recipients of the Ted Turner seal of approval will also receive a $50 gift certificate for a bison steak dinner at Mountain Grill. (Alcohol and tip not included. See terms and conditions for further details.)

It’s a wondrous and exquisite time in America when all the competing liberal news organizations from coast-to-coast can come together as one mighty, unstoppable, smear machine dedicated to the annihilation of truth and integrity. Amen, and amen.

So what if a couple of innocent minors received death threats and were forced to go into hiding? So what if a washed-up celebrity who is desperate for attention is publicly calling for the heads of children? So what if the Washington Post doubled down and tried to shift the focus away from their false reporting by publishing an inflammatory article about “The Catholic Church’s Shameful History of Native American Abuses” rather than issue a retraction? Big whoop! 

Yessir, keep it up the good work, mainstream media outlets. And if per chance you find yourselves the target of a multi-billion dollar defamation lawsuit in the days to come, just remember the liberal journalist’s creed: “Fact checking? Who has time for that s**t?

Meanwhile, enjoy an uplifting journey through the magical land of ‘media make believe’ with your ever-capable guides, Hammer and Nigel: