Has 2020 been so bad that we can’t even buy a whole Christmas tree anymore?
First things first: According to the science community’s most-trusted authority on matters of psychology, Pop Sugar, studies prove that decorating for Christmas early makes you happier,
“In a world full of stress and anxiety, people like to associate with things that make them happy, and Christmas decorations evoke those strong feelings of childhood,” psychoanalyst Steve McKeown told the outlet with more credibility than CNN. “Decorations are simply an anchor or pathway to those old childhood magical emotions of excitement. So putting up those Christmas decorations early extends the excitement!”
*Please Note: Study may not apply to persons of Jewish or Muslim faith and/or cat owners.
Now then, if the aforementioned study is true, it only follows that half the ornaments and half the tree equal would equal half the “happiness factor,” yes?
So if 2020 has been the emotional and mental equivalent of multiple kicks to the groin EVERY SINGLE DAY, what in the heck are retail outlets doing by offering us half a tree?
Further, the holidays are already notorious for prompting “bouts of blues” in some people – especially those who already battle clinical depression. Is this retail outlets’ sadistic attempt to give suicidal people that extra little nudge they need to push them over the edge?
Seriously, we could make a well-reasoned argument that Home Depot selling ‘half trees’ poses a bigger risk to safety in 2020 than Walmart selling dynamite-infused Lawn Jarts.
Oh, we know what you’re thinking:
Half Tree Advocate: “It’s been a tough financial year for American families, so retail stores are offering a low-cost option for families who are under severe financial strain.”
Response: Bull crap! These half trees cost the same amount of money or more than a regular tree!
Half Tree Advocate: “Maybe so, but with half a tree, you can get away with buying half the gifts and the kids won’t even notice.”
Response: The kids are DEFINITELY going to notice when half of their Christmas tree goes missing!
Half Tree Advocate: “Yeah, but it’s better for the environment because it’s 50% less plastic. We’re helping sea turtles, you science-denying boomer!”
Response: “First of all, we’re in our 40s. Secondly, people are throwing out their existing trees and buying these instead because they “save space” and are the artificial Pinetree equivalent of the latest iPhone!
And by the way, buying a REAL tree every year is actually BETTER for the environment than buying a fake tree. Yes, even half a fake tree.”
Our advice? Skip the trend. Christmas trees are the parachute pants of 2020. At some point in the future, some brutally honest teenager is going to tell you what your polite friends are too timid to say: “That tree looks so stupid.”
They might even post their opinion on Facebook or tweet about it to their friends. Once that happens, the word will spread quickly – unless, of course, Hunter and Joe Biden own shares in the company that makes these hideous trees.
Seriously, treat yourself to an entire Christmas tree this year. You’ve earned it.
Also, listen to today’s edition of the Hammer and Nigel Show.