Tito… Jackie… Jermaine… Randy… Marlon… Michael… Five young men who were born into humble circumstances, but with talent, courage, and regular beatings by an abusive father, rose to the top of the pop music charts in the 1970s and early 1980s with hits like “I’ll be there,” “ABC,” and “Torture,” which prominently featured the vocal stylings of Michael’s brothers – an error in judgment that was not repeated in the future.
Together, the boys made pop-culture magic and popularized horrific hairstyles that Colin Kaepernick never outgrew. The public ate it up!
Then tragedy struck…
Michael inadvertently transformed his perfectly-styled hairdo into a raging ball of fire during the filming of a Pepsi commercial…
Sister Janet got burned with an iron in an episode of “Good Times.”
And Michael developed a physical tic that caused him to constantly grasp his testicles during live performances, albeit with great style and flair in comparison to the amateur crotch-grabbing enthusiast.
Yet through it all, the Jackson family persevered.
Oh sure, like any family, there were the usual acquisitions of Chimpanzees, multiple allegations of child sexual abuse, and thought-provoking commentaries delivered by Michael while under the influence of Propofol.
But look beyond the controversy and the scandals, friend. Yes, he was a little eccentric, but he also wrote some of the finest music of the 20th century – none of which shall be featured in this finely crafted article.
Look, we all know Michael was a genius. But since a vomitous number of articles have already paid homage to his greatest hits, I have a moral responsibility to dedicate 100% of my efforts in this piece to the stuff he performed that was pure s***.
“Streetwalker,” Bad Outtake (1983)
A heartwarming song about a prostitute featuring lyrics that portray Michael as a lovesick john who’s trying to win the sex worker’s heart instead of forking over the cash like all her other clients.
“Childhood,” History (1995):
Think Michael Jackson was a child molester? This is the song for you, friend! It features a creepy melody with lyrics about prepubescence and was the primary musical theme in a movie called “Free Willy.” Coincidence?
“Cry,” Invincible (2001):
A song that was written for Michael by disgraced pop star R. Kelly, crafted at a time when Kelly was allegedly spending his off-hours filming himself urinating on a 13-year-old girl.
“D.S.,” History (1995):
“D.S.” is a reference to Santa Barbara district attorney Tom Sneddon. Includes multiple references to the CIA and the KKK in the verses – always a popular subject matter to get the club-goers cutting a rug on the dance floor. Also suitable for wedding receptions.
“My Girl,” Ben (1972):
Proof that even the best of Smokey Robinson’s genius can be turned into audible feces with a little effort.
“Shoo-Be-Doo-Be-Doo-Da-Day,” Ben (1972): A courageous lyrical expression of complete and utter nonsense. Imagine the oppressed disc jockeys who had to announce that tune whenever it played on the radio.
Blue Gangsta,” Xscape (2014):
It’s about a woman lying to him! Ah, but fret not, for he is the “Blue Gangsta” (whatever the f*** that means). This wasn’t released until after Michael was dead, which leads me to conclude he went to his grave knowing the tune was crap.
“Dear Michael,” Forever, Michael (1975):
A letter to Jackson, which begins, “Michael, I close my eyes and sing along / Dreaming you’re singing to me.” In the end, Michael writes back (“Hurry, hurry mister postman / Take my letter, tell her I love her.”). It’s a lovely tune about a random stranger successfully establishing a romantic relationship with a celebrity she’s never met. Robert John Bardo was rumored to be an incredibly enthusiastic fan of the song.
“Scream,” History (1995):
Gotta love a tune that features multiple audio samples of what sounds like Michael having the most painful orgasm ever. Neat video though.
“Bad,” Bad (1987):
No one believes Michael Jackson is a tough guy who can beat up Wesley Snipes. “Your butt is mine” and “I’m bad, I’m bad, I’m really really bad,” just doesn’t play when it’s uttered by a guy who looks like he’s all of 90 pounds and is dressed up as a low-rent dominatrix.
Yes, Michael certainly churned out quite a few musical turds in his career, but he’s still a genius and was probably the greatest performer to ever live.
God bless him and may he rest in peace. He was “Gone Too Soon.”
By the way, that one is actually pretty good!
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