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Here’s a brief rundown of where things stand in the country as of Wednesday night:

  • We’ve had over 1.89 million confirmed cases of COVID-19 and 109K deaths… so far, that is.
  • Trump’s disapproval rating is the highest of any President in U.S. history and Joe Biden, who may or may not be suffering from early on-set symptoms of Alzheimer’s disease is increasingly likely to be our next president.
  • Every major U.S. city is engulfed in chaos and destruction from last weekend’s riots, and it looks like more is coming our way this weekend.
  • The unemployment rate is projected to rise above the all-time highs of the Great Depression BY OUR GOVERNMENT’S CHOICE!

The worst part is that there’s no other country on earth where you can escape from all the chaos. The borders and airplanes are essentially on lockdown, and even if they weren’t, where are you going to go to?

To summarize: Your best option at this point in time is to pack a cooler, your toothbrush, and hitch a ride on the SpaceX rocket to get the hell off the planet.

And as you break the surly bonds of Earth, you’ll be jamming to the latest hit single from Hammer and Nigel Records: “I Want SpaceX”