We at WIBC’s Hammer and Nigel Show recognize that it is incumbent upon us to honor our heritage and serve greater interests of our community to the very best of our ability. After all, this is the very station where Vice President Mike Pence once hosted one of the classiest radio programs in American history,
One of the ways in which we demonstrate that dedication to our listeners and the craft of broadcasting in the era of COVID-19 is by sharing important updates and safety tips from the medical community.
For example: Wear a mask when venturing out in public. Adhere to social-distancing guidelines. And most importantly, no matter how bored you get while stuck at home during the quarantine, you simply MUST refrain from placing chopsticks in your bottom ‘out of curiosity.’
Placing chopsticks in your ‘bum bum’ can result in severe discomfort – especially when news of your little “experiment with foreign utensils” goes viral, complete with video images.
Such was the fate of a 68-year-old Chinese man who managed to lodge a chopstick in his belly after “exploring his body” in the privacy of his own home.
According to credible reports, the elderly man claimed that he was merely performing a standard (and possibly alcohol influenced) check of his backside after developing piles.
X-rays and ‘educational’ footage released by Pear Video reveals a single chopstick stuck in the patient’s belly. The utensil can even be seen moving up and down slightly as the patient breathes.
Doctors who treated the man noted that his condition was ‘indeed very rare.’
Once again, we urge you to heed the advice of medical professionals. The AMA has NOT approved chopsticks for insertion in the backside. Prevention is the key to protecting your health, your intestines, and your social status.
Hammer and Nigel’s Healthy Alternatives to Placing Chopsticks in Your Bum:
- Binge on your favorite Netflix series.
- Engage in pointless political battles on social media.
- Enjoy a relaxing bubble bath.
- Take up a new hobby such as knitting.
Please Note: Knitting needles don’t belong in your backside either.
Thank you for your attention to this important matter. It is only through education and partnership with our community that we can defeat COVID-19 AND prevent unnecessary intestinal damage from chopsticks.
Pro Tip: Avoid Chinese takeout at all costs if you simply cannot control your filthy urges.