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Congratulations, fellow inmates! Under the justification of “we don’t want people to get sicky-poo with Coronavirus,” Indiana Führer Eric Holcomb has put an end to self-serve coffee and soda!

Don’t worry, however, as there is no charge for this further oppression that arrives courtesy of your supposedly Republican Governor. Your loss of rights and ability to exercise personal judgment is fully complimentary!

After all, beloved “Hoosiers in Hell,” you’ve already generously agreed to fund worthless government projects like the Red Line while simultaneously getting hit with endless proposed tax increase referendums. This one’s on his excellency, Sir Holcomb! Just his way of saying thanks for allowing him to completely eviscerate and terminate your way of life. Enjoy!

Looks like you’ll be forced to grab a bottle of soda (or a bottle of hot coffee) in the mornings on your way to work.

Conversely, you can wait it out for three days in the McDonald’s drive-thru lane, allow the worker at 7-11 with questionable hygiene to make it for you, or bring coffee from home, which adds another task to your morning routine while simultaneously further reducing sales revenues for local food and beverage establishments – a perfect lose/lose arrangement!

“Hey wait!” you rudely interject in the middle of this blog post. “What if I’ve already had Coronavirus and can’t possibly catch it again?”

Well, thanks to the “one size screws all” logic of this new policy, you’re out of luck too, sucker!

But wait, there’s more!

You can’t necessarily escape this policy by fleeing to another either. Why? Because Indiana’s stupidity is even more contagious than COVID-19! Yes, other states are beginning to follow suit!

Can we just get it over with now, please? Assign us all an inmate number, give us our curfew, and advise what time we should arrive for chow each day?

What the hell, let’s embrace it now! By the time this multi-stage reopening of the state plays out, we’re all going to be on a steady diet of government cheese anyway.

Proposed Updated Slogan for the Hoosier State: 

“Welcome to Indiana, land of Eric Holcomb, the supreme leader. If you don’t die from Coronavirus, you’ll wind up wishing you had.”

Can we fit all of that on our license plates?

There’s more ranting about this policy from The Chicks on the Right and Producer Rob in the clip below.