Great news! Drugstore shelves are now fully stocked with toilet paper this Friday! Yep, but good luck finding a bottle of isopropyl alcohol and a syringe.
Yes, Americans from coast-to-coast are engaged in a debate over the most pressing political question of our time:
“Did Donald Trump REALLY tell people to inject themselves with Clorox, Pine-Sol, or Bacardi 151?”
It’s kind of a cool idea if you think about it. What if you could actually get inside your lungs with an old toothbrush and some Barkeepers Friend for an annual cleaning?
And why couldn’t we use a people-friendly UV light to irradiate every freaking cell in the human body? You put some blueprints on the desk of an engineer at IGIA and I guarantee they’ll come up with something to sell via late-night infomercials.
Look, we all know what happened at Thursday’s press conference: Trump did his usual “thinking out loud” thing and then had an “Oh s@#$!” when it occurred to him what a horrendously dumb question he’d just asked.
Unfortunately, it’s Trump, and Trump never admits mistakes, defeat, or faults of any kind. That’s just who he is. He’s the kind of guy who blames Melania when he breaks wind.
Thus, the President first attempted to double-down by roping Dr. Deborah Birx into his televised “blue sky meeting” before pushing the narrative that he was just “being sarcastic.”
Let’s have a look at the instant replay:
Let’s go to the judges for a ruling:
Q: “Did Donald Trump seriously propose that doctors inject people with bleach?”
A: “Who cares?”
Look, we all know that President Donald Trump has a nasty habit of voicing every little thought that goes through his head, but this is far from the most embarrassing thing he’s ever said out loud. And let’s be honest, we’re going to have much bigger fires to put out if he secures a second term in November, which will fully eliminate any and all filters (as if he had any to begin with).
Take heart, fellow conservatives. This too shall pass.
Meanwhile, laugh all you want, liberals. Have one on us. You won’t be laughing so hard when Trump ponies up the federal funding for the world’s first artificial lung that self-irrigates via a DOW cleaner catheter and over-the-counter pipe cleaners.
As for the whole “UV light” thing, allow me to suggest that Trump was merely pondering if all that tanning he does has made him immune to the virus.
Hammer and Nigel offer their perspective on Lysol-Gate in the clip below.
Photo: The Washington Post/Getty Images
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