Fears that government efficiency and oversight would improve under President Donald Trump were laid to rest Tuesday after an Indiana firefighter received an $8.2 million dollar stimulus check, courtesy of an uncompromising attention to detail at the U.S. Treasury.
“I went to the ATM at the Family Express and once I withdraw $200 out of my account, I looked at the available balance that was still left in my account. Apparently, my account had $8.2 million in it. I’m like what in the world is going on here?” said Firefighter Charles Calvin, who mercifully is better at his job of putting out fires than the Federal Government is at basic arithmetic.
“He come over and said ‘you ain’t going to believe this’ and I said, ‘come on, let’s go.’ We went back up to the same spot and it pulled out $8.2 million,” said Captain Samuel Vargas, providing a less coherent retelling of the exact same details while simultaneously bringing attention to the diminishing quality of our public education system.
Calvin was supposed to receive $1,700, but what’s an extra $8,198,300 taxpayer dollars among friends? You could quintuple the overpayment and it would still qualify as a far less egregious expenditure of taxpayer funds than “Cash for Clunkers.”
Meanwhile, I think we all know exactly what Hammer and Nigel would do with $8.2 million dollars…