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Dearest Socialists:

We regret to inform you that despite a powerful endorsement from Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Socialist Senator Bernie Sanders has failed to clinch the Democratic nomination for President for a second time.

We take no pleasure in reporting this news today. Our hearts ache and our tears flow right along with you. We genuinely liked Bernie Sanders.

Sure he looks like he combs his hair with a balloon and marinates daily in the pleasing aroma of his own flatulence. Yes, his policies would have been a disaster for America and plunged our economy into ruin. And okay, the man hates babies.

Despite Bernie Sanders’ numerous shortcomings, however, we’re genuinely going to miss the crazy son-of-a-gun. Making fun of Joe Biden is fun and all, but how many wisecracks can you make about the former Vice President’s blatantly obvious cognitive decline? Variety is the spice of life, and it’s a real bummer that Befuddled Biden is the only guy we have left for a punching bag.

Anyway, Bernie’s out, but not forgotten.

Fortunately, Bernard is confident in the significance of this moment in our nation’s history. Sanders offered the following words of wisdom in announcing his departure from the 2020 Presidential race:

“And so I say to you on this occasion, as we leave, we leave proud of the people who have stood by us and worked for us and served this country. We want you to be proud of what you have done. We want you to continue to serve in government if that is your wish.

Always give your best, never get discouraged, never be petty; always remember, others may hate you, but those who hate you don’t win unless you hate them, and then you destroy yourself.

And so, we leave with high hopes, in good spirit, and with deep humility, and with very much gratefulness in our hearts. I can only say to each and every one of you, we come from many faiths, we pray perhaps to different gods — but really the same God in a sense — but I want to say for each and every one of you, not only will we always remember you, not only will we always be grateful to you but always you will be in our hearts and you will be in our prayers.”

Wait a minute… That was Richard Nixon’s White House departure speech – not Bernie Sanders.

Anyway, Bernie Sanders is a quitter. We composed the following heartfelt tribute to commemorate the conclusion of his 2020 campaign.

https://omny.fm/shows/hammer-and-nigel-show/bernie-sanders-sarah-mclachlan-tribute

Photo: John Sommers II / Stringer / Getty Images