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The News: Allstate announced today that it would be returning $600 million in automobile premiums to existing customers as drivers are on the road less.

Introduction: In Which Allstate Does Something Nice and Puts Competitors in a Tough Position.

Allstate might be scoring points with existing customers thanks to the announcement of their Coronavirus discounts, but you best believe the fine folks over at State Farm have their Mack Weldon anti-microbial comfort briefs in a mighty twist today.

Chapter One: In Which Allstate Makes a Big Announcement.

Twas a typical dreary Monday in Chicago, Illinois. A brisk wind blew into the city from the Southwest, bringing with it the familiar yet ever so faint industrial fart smell from the factories on the outskirts of town.

The CEO of U.S. insurer Allstate Corp had just released the startling news that the company he presides over would return more than $600 million in auto insurance premiums to customers.

But why? Why had Mr. CEO man whose actual name I couldn’t be bothered to Google made this decision?

The author strokes his beard as he gazes out onto the horizon.

“Why…”

Was Mr. CEO man’s decision due to a recognition that most Americans are bleeding out of their financial a** due to a government-mandated shutdown of the entire U.S. economy?

“No,” the author thinks as he remembers he’s not supposed to be touching his face.

Perhaps it came from purity of heart amid the great American house arrest – an unconstitutional order which forcibly resulted in fewer Allstate customers venturing out onto the empty roadways of a COVID-19-infested former Republic! Perhaps that was it!

“No,” the author thinks as it simultaneously occurs to him amid a pandemic-induced depression, a disruption to his normal schedule and a lack of motivation to change out of his pajamas that he’s forgotten to brush his teeth for the last three days.

“No… Surely something much more sinister is at play…”

Chapter Two: In Which we imagine an entirely fictionalized and non-credible account of an emergency corporate meeting amongst State Farm corporate executives.

CEO of State Farm Whose Name I Also Couldn’t be Bothered to Google:

“Thank you everyone for attending this emergency meeting via Zoom conferencing on such short notice.”

The blank, expressionless faces of the entire State Farm board of directors stare back at him.

CEO of State Farm:

“Hello?”

Nothing.

CEO of State Farm:

“Are you guys able to hear me at all?”

Nothing.

CEO of State Farm:

“Can you hear me? Wave if you can hear me.”

Nothing.

CEO of State Farm:

“Okay, wave if you can see me waving.”

Executive 1:

“Why’s he waving?” 

Executive 2:

“I can’t hear you!”

Executive 1:

“I said why is he waving?”

Executive 2:

“No, I can hear YOU. I can’t hear HIM.”

Executive 1:

“What?” 

Executive 3:

“Wait a minute, sir, I can’t hear what you’re saying.”

Executive 4:

“What is everyone yelling about? Guys, I can’t hear you!”

CEO of State Farm:

“Can anybody hear what the hell I’m saying?”

Executive 1:

“I can see him, but I can’t hear him.”

Executive 2:

“I can’t hear you. Can anybody hear him?”

CEO of State Farm:

“I can see you, but I can’t hear you. Can you hear me? Wave if you can hear me.”

CEO waves dramatically.

Executive 1:

“Hi!” 

Waves dramatically.

Executive 6:

“Hi, yes we see you!”

Executive 3 begins to wave.

Executive 3:

“Yes, I can see you, but I can’t hear you!”

Executive 2:

“Why is everyone waving?”

Executives 2 begins to wave.

Executives 4-12 follow suit and begin to wave.

Executive 3:

“Yep! Video is good, but no audio!”

CEO of State Farm:

Okay, it looks like you can all hear and see me.”

Executive 1 gives a thumbs up.

Executive 1:

“Video’s perfect, sir, but we can’t hear you. Check your audio settings. Go under preferences.”

State Farm CEO:

“Executive 1, I can see you talking, but I can’t hear you. I think you guys can hear me though, right? Give me a thumbs up if you all hear me.”

State Farm CEO gives a thumbs up.

Executives 1-12 give a thumbs up.

Executive 2:

“Yep, we all see you, sir!”

CEO of State Farm:

“Okay, good! You all hear me.”

Executives 1-12 give another thumbs up.

CEO of State Farm:

“So is everyone familiar with what Allstate did today?”

Blank stares.

CEO of State Farm:

“Nobody? I can’t hear you. Look, just raise your hand if you heard about Allstate’s announcement today.”

CEO raises his hand.

Executive 1:

“I think he wants us to wave at him if we’re having trouble hearing him.”

Executive 1 begins to wave.

Executive 2:

“Am I supposed to wave at him? Yes, we see you!”

Executive 2 begins to wave.

Executive 3:

“Now everybody is waving again! What the hell is this, ‘Simon Says?'”

Executive 3 begins to wave.

All executives are now waving.

CEO of State Farm:

“Why is everybody waving at me? Is the video okay?”

Executive 3:

“What a minute. We still can’t hear you.”

Suddenly, loud moaning begins blaring through everyone’s laptop speakers.

CEO of State Farm:

“What the hell is that?”

Executive 1:

“What the hell is that?”

CEO of State Farm:

“It sounds like porn. Does somebody have their browser open to Pornhub?”

Executive 3:

“It sounds like somebody’s got their browser open to Pornhub.”

Executive 2:

“Oh s***! I left my browser open to Pornhub!”

Executive 5:

“Wait, I still can’t hear anything.”

Executive 8:

“Hey, I don’t know if anybody can hear me, but did any of you see the news about Allstate?”

Chapter Four: In which WIBC’s Jason Hammer assumes Allstate has ulterior motives behind their announcement. 

Nigel:

“So I guess this is Allstate doing their part and easing the financial burden on their customers, which is a nice thing.”

Hammer: 

“Now see, Nige, I question this. I’m skeptical. I don’t believe this is just about helping out their customers. Something else is going on here. I don’t trust their tactics.”

Nigel:

“You think it’s all marketing designed to get good PR?”

Hammer:

“No, I’m not saying that’s what’s going on. I’m just saying, yeah, that’s probably what’s going on.”

Hollywood Audio Cues, Track 12: “The Butler Did It” dramatic reveal.

Chapter Five: In which casual readers to Hammer and Nigel Show blog postings don’t even question the absence of Chapter Three.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO BELOVED FANS OF THE HAMMER AND NIGEL SHOW: Due to the wholly inappropriate substance contained within chapters 1 & 2, but not 4 & 5, we’ve terminated the original author of this blog post. We apologize for any and all offensive material.

Please note, however, that as long as you’ve come this far and perverted your mind this much, you might as well go the whole way and listen to the clip below.

Photo: Scott Olson/Getty Images