For nearly two decades now, the brightest intellectual minds and military strategists of our time have been racking their brains in a desperate attempt to answer the following question: What will it take to defeat global terrorism?
Well, good news! We can now definitively and confidently answer that question thanks to the exceptional corruption of the communist government of China, and most importantly, radical Islamic terrorists’ inability to keep a secret amongst themselves.
Dang it, ISIS! Loose lips sink ships!
So how do we defeat terrorism? COVID-19.
Yes, it turns out that radical Islamic terrorists are more than willing to strap on their ‘Sunday Best Suicide Vest’ and turn themselves into flesh confetti, but they’re scared s***less of the illness formerly known as the “Wuhan Coronavirus.”
In a recent edition of “Terrorism Today,” the leaders of ISIS advised Jihadists to avoid Europe like the plague and focus their efforts on hand-washing rather than attacks on the West.
No joke! They actually told ISIS soldiers to wash their hands with soap in order to keep clean and avoid infection. They were also told that if they come into contact with someone who is infected with the virus, they are to flee for their lives. After all, he who fights and runs away will live to fight another day!
In a full-page infographic on the back cover of the ISIS newsletter, a list of ‘pro tips’ instructs militants on how to stop the pandemic’s spread. ISIS members are advised to “put trust in God and seek refuge in Him from illnesses,” but to also “cover the mouth when yawning and sneezing,” and to wash their hands frequently.
Sorry, Allah! Your will be done and all that jazz, but killing infidels will have to wait until after this COVID-19 crap runs its course.
Please note: The ISIS newsletter is actually called the “al-Naba newsletter,” but “Terrorism Today” is much funnier. Terrorism stories are so drab these days. You gotta punch ’em up a little bit to keep things positive.
The Chicks on the Right and pinch-hitting producer discussed terrorists’ fear of germs in a recent edition of Speedround. Click below and enjoy! Also, wash your hands thoroughly and cover your mouth when you cough and sneeze.