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Guard your waffles! Hide the Cocoa Puffs! Call the FBI! There’s a breakfast bandit on the loose!

Police in Dalton, Georgia are in hot pursuit of a man accused of terrorizing family-style platters of once-frozen sausages and off-brand corn flakes at budget hotels across town. 

The Zodiac killer of continental buffets was spotted wandering into Holiday Inn locations across Dalton, according to authorities, pocketing bottles, towels, and plastic silverware, before demolishing the most holy of all hotel accomodations: the breakfast buffet. 

“We plan to stay on his trail until we catch him,” the Dalton Police told a Dalton media outlet, “We take breakfast very seriously.”

The Chicks on the Right had a hilarious take on the story in today’s edition of Speedround. Click the link below to check it out: