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(Megan Mondanaro (left) and Aaron Thomas (right) NASSAU COUNTY SHERIFF’S OFFICE)

H&N Pro Tip: If you should ever find yourself in the back of a police cruiser with your significant other, it is ill-advised to remove your clothes and engage in the act of bruising the beef curtains – even when your little game of gland to gland combat is consensual. First of all, it’s unsanitary and shows a blatant disrespect for future backseat passengers. Second, attempting to drunkenly load the old clown into the cannon while in the presence of law enforcement rarely enhances your legal defense when appearing before a judge. Save your little game of pelvic pinochle for when you’re out on bail and in the privacy of your own rented motorhome. Once there, you are free to assault your special lady with a friendly weapon as much as you like! 

Regrettably, a drunken couple in the state of Florida failed to heed the aforementioned advice.

Around 11:40 PM last Friday, a sheriff’s deputy stopped a man and woman who were riding bicycles with no lights on a street in Fernandina Beach, a city outside Jacksonville. “As the two bikes cut across the road, they were almost hit by another vehicle…due to them not having any lights on,” the arresting officer noted in his report.

While questioning the suspects–Megan Mondanaro, 35, and Aaron Thomas, 31- a patrolman noted that they each smelled of booze, had bloodshot eyes, and slurred speech. 

Mondanaro declined to perform field sobriety tests and was busted after the deputy concluded she was cycling while impaired. 

The officer then turned his attention to Thomas, who was subsequently arrested after he performed poorly on sobriety tests and showed “signs of impairment.” 

The couple was arrested and placed in the back of the arresting deputy’s police cruiser. It was then that Mondanaro and Thomas determined it was time to put some ranch dressing in Hidden Valley.

Upon spotting the pair playing “Mr. Wobbly Hides His Helmet” in the back of his cruiser, Deputy Hunter opened up the door and stopped Thomas and Mondanaro from dancing the porno polka. 

Mondanaro fled from officers after being forcibly interrupted mid-horizontal refreshment, but was later caught. 

Mondanaro, who is locked up in lieu of $12,508 bond, has been charged with DUI, resisting officers, exposure of sexual organs, and engaging in lascivious acts. Thomas, who is being held without bond, faces similar charges, as well as escape and making threats against public officials counts.  

If convicted, Mondanaro and Thomas won’t be taking the bald-headed gnome for a stroll in the misty forest for quite some time.

Hammer and Nigel have more in today’s edition of “Lewd Nude Dude in the News.”