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There are two types of people in this world: 

  1. Those Who Can’t Wait to Go Shopping on Black Friday
  2. Those Who Can’t Wait to See The Compilation Videos of Black Friday Shoppers Beating the Piss Out of Each Other.

Yes, Black Friday kicks off that blessed time of year when we celebrate the birth of Christ by punching an old lady in the face in order to steal that last flat-screen television from her wrinkled and arthritic hands. 

Sure, it’s assault and you feel kind of bad about it, but consider the justification: the old gal was at least 85 and probably suffering from cataracts. You’re a spry fella in your 30s with 20/20 vision. You’ll get YEARS of enjoyment from that television, whereas Grandma is unlikely to make it through the next cold & flu season. Screw her!

Here’s a Look at 2019’s Best of Black Friday Beatdowns and Bashings:

Point to Ponder: This is how a modern-day society reacts to a shortage of consumer electronics. Imagine their response to a food crisis.

Peace on Earth and Goodwill to all… Right after Cyber Monday. 

And now, a word from your spiritual guides through the holiday madness, Hammer and Nigel: