Attention all Homosapiens above the age of five: QUIT PUTTING THINGS IN YOUR RECTUM, EARDRUM, NASAL CAVITY, AND OTHER ASSORTED ORIFICES! JUST STOP IT!
Look, I acknowledge that it’s the year 2022 and we’ve declared ourselves the most enlightened and progressive generation in the history of mankind. “Your Body, Your Choice” and such (vaccines excluded), but we all have to use a little common sense in order to respectfully maximize the time and resources of society’s medical professionals.
Yes, it is YOUR body that was uniquely created and designed just for you by YOUR God. And yes, it’s perfectly natural and healthy to explore your body and all of its various orifices in the privacy of your own home. You want to have a glass of wine at the end of a long day and stick a gerbil up your ass? Have at it, friend! It’s no business of mine.
However, the minute your little game of “Let’s See If Mr. Hamster Can Find His Way Through The Intestinal Maze” results in an ambulance ride and an extended wait for a legitimate trauma victim at the emergency room, your gerbil’s participation in the 2022 biological Olympic games IS my business. Are we clear?
Now, I realize that it can be difficult to locate the most updated list of sporting goods, toiletries, eating utensils, household pets, and Hot-Wheels racers that don’t belong in your anus. Therefore, I’ve done a little research and compiled a list of the most common items that emergency room medics removed from patients’ orifices for the year 2022. Print it out and hang it on your refrigerator for easy reference.
Most Common Items Medics Removed from Patients’ Orifices in 2022:
- Wireless Earbuds
- Fidget Spinners
- Christmas Ornaments
- Egg Timers
- Stuffed Birds
- Die-Cast Cars
- Necklaces
- Spoons
- Forks (one guy put it IN his urethra)
- Thumb Tacks
- Air Fresheners
Specific to Penises:
- Crayons
- Magnets
- Chopsticks
- Screwdrivers
- Forks
Specific to Vaginas:
- Perfume Bottles
- Make-Up Sponges
- A Roll of Tape
Specific to Anuses:
- Mattress Foam
- A Water Gun
- A Light Bulb
- A Plunger Handle.
Fun Quotes from Actual Medical Reports:
- “Patient states he slipped in the shower and landed on a metal-air freshener can and it went into his rectum.”
- “Swallowed a thumbtack that she thought was a mint.”
- “Had necklace in mouth trying to untangle it and accidentally swallowed it.”
- “Jumped off the couch and landed on a spoon.”
- “Was using a prostate massager and it got sucked in.”
Keep in mind that the above list is by no means comprehensive. In other words, just because it wasn’t on the list doesn’t mean it’s safe to place in your anus. Always contact a medical professional for advice before placing ANY item into ANY orifice on your person.
Thank you for your attention to this important matter. Together, we’ll build a better America.
Also, follow me on Twitter or the terrorists win: @NaptownBri.
