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Why am I writing about Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston today? Why is this my life? There was a time in my youth when I was filled with hope and optimism about my future, so how did I get here? How did a 41-year-old man who ran a successful business in Los Angeles with gross revenues in excess of $1 million-per-year wind up back in the Midwest writing tabloid stories for comparatively very little money?

I think it all goes back to my childhood really. I was part of the generation who was told we could be anything we wanted to be when we grew up. It was an era when you could fail math, fail English, inadvertently melt your face off in chemistry class, and still become a world-class astrophysicist “if you just put your mind to it.” 

You folks over the age of 25 who work the drive-thru window at McDonald’s as you lie to yourself about “the fantastic opportunities for advancement” know what I’m talking about. You started working there part-time to make ends meet, but “just until my album takes off and I sign with a label.” Well, that was 10 years ago, and I’m sorry to tell you this, but it’s not going to happen for you, chief. And by the way, my fries are cold. 

Don’t get me wrong; the idealism of youth has its place. Without dreams, you can’t have goals. The problem is that many of us set our sights on the moon without preparing a contingency plan in the event the rocket explodes before leaving the launch pad.

How did I get here? I went to college! I didn’t finish, but I went!

Back in 2014 I was living in my dream house and zipping around Los Angeles in a Porsche, which was one of four collector cars in my driveway. Now I’m driving a 20-year-old van with 182K miles, bald tires, and the damn thing overheats if you dare to push the engine’s capabilities above a blistering 30 mph. 

I used to eat at Spago; now I eat at Subway. I used to pay my bills on time! Now, I can barely afford shoes! And you know what? I’m okay with all of that. I can deal with polishing the steaming turd that my life has become. But writing gossip about Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt? That’s the point where I start searching the cupboards for the Draino.  

You know those “Facebook memories” that are always popping up and reminding you how much older you look, how much happier you used to be, and how much more fun the dog was before he died and was cremated? A memory popped up today to remind me that at this time three years ago I was on the set of “Bright” in Los Angeles, sitting in a Ferarri, and exchanging pleasantries with Will Smith.  

Do you know what I’m doing today? Finishing up an article on Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston’s relationship status before I get back to investigating why the HVAC vents in my apartment smell like rancid cod liver oil.

Consider This Before You Pass Judgment:

  • There’s a baseless impeachment trial about to commence in Washington D.C.
  • Iran claims they have nuclear weapons capable of reaching the United States.
  • There are rumors that Mike Pence is about to resign the Vice Presidency. 
  • The Second Amendment is under attack.
  • We’re legalizing marijuana at the same time we’re raising the smoking age.
  • There’s a new app that lets strangers find your name and information simply by snapping your photo!
  • The Federal Reserve is back to pumping billions of dollars into the monetary system

All that stuff is going on right now and I’m doing low-rent TMZ stories: the fast-food of journalism!

Question: Are Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston getting back together?

Answer: Who gives a damn?

Question: Is Jennifer Aniston still able to conceive a child at her age? 

Answer: How the hell would I know about the condition of her eggs and uterus?

Question: Will Jennifer Aniston forgive Brad Pitt for cheating on her with Angelina Jolie?

Answer: I don’t care!

Hey, as long as we’re on the topic, I actually sat next to Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer at the Beverly Hills Hotel once. John Mayer looked like a sleaze, but Jennifer Aniston was SO HOT!

Jennifer Aniston still looks hot. I wonder how she manages to keep her figure so trim? And what’s her skincare routine because I’m not kidding, she absolutely glows! She always has the cutest shoes too!

In retrospect, Brad Pitt should have stayed with Jennifer Aniston, don’t you think? She’s aged so much better than Angelina Jolie. Everybody talks about Angelina’s lips, but you know those aren’t real. I’ll bet she’s had work done. 

I don’t think Jennifer Aniston has had work done. She just seems like the kind of girl who doesn’t worry about that sort of thing, but I’ve heard Angelina Jolie is really vain.

Remember when Angelina Jolie kissed her brother on the lips at the Golden Globes years ago? That was so gross. You know something was going on there.

Jennifer Aniston has definitely gotten better looking with age. She looked kind of pudgy when she was on that television version of “Ferris Bueller.” 

See what I mean? She looks a lot better now that she’s lost all that baby fat. She’s just the right weight. Angelina Jolie is too thin though.

Hey, did you hear Kanye West rode a horse into a church last weekend and fell off?

Look at this; it’s hilarious:

Blah-ha-ha! Looks like Kanye needs to hit an evangelical healing service, am I right? That’s hilarious! I have to watch it again.

It’s even funnier the second time. What an idiot.

Hmm… You know what? I actually feel a little better now. Just forget I said anything.